The ISLAND

uhhhhh someone please explain to me why all the chicks with eating disorders won't stop talking about eating. we. know. you. are liars.

Ashli won't shut up, also no one wants you. so CAN IT.

THE ALLIANCE
is all about having keys. say what? i thought it was about boning. and trickery. and smack talk. guess i haven't been watching the same show as the one you are on, Paula.

DRAMA MAMAS
are we really fighting about Ev? Guys, please. this is just sort of silly. You guys must be incredibly hungry.

Ev has been hording food. i mean. can you blame her? girl is huge she needs her protein! it has to take a lot of energy to make your hair that big everyday. why don't think just subtract all of the eating disorders out of the pot and then everybody gets more and the crazy chicks get skinnier. everybody's happy.

We Gotta Get Rid Of Johnny
YES! FINALLY! Someone is listening to me! Now kill Kenny! DO IT! dooooo it.

"It's bananasbirthday and so we are all going crazy"
why that translates into excessive eye makeup I really don't know. also. you guys can get wasted without costumes. you have all been on national tv wasted before. so...
Jenn... yow. crossing boundaries to make the magic with JohnnyBananas. Not that kind of magic. the kind where you get to compete. i think.

UGH. Again. Who is ASHLI?! And why are she and Robin screaming? Oh because there is no food but there is a LOT of eyeliner and booze. Kenny, that facepaint is def an upgrade on your heinous mug.

Can we just take a moment to appreciate Ryan for always ALWAYS stirring up the drama pot? thank you, Ryan.

AH AH AH AH GROSS Ah AH AH YOU CUT YOUR TOE OFF??? This is why you shouldn't get blackout drunk and wander outside without shoes. idiot. I sort of hope she gets voted in for the challenge.
"Robin made me feel like I was so below her". Well. Ashli. Sorry honey but you sort of are. and that's a pretty awful place to be my dear.

Also, dear Army. I do not appreciate you using the island as a recruiting tool. F off. love cara.

Low Phone
Again. 10 minutes. I love how Colie made the rules about the phone and then got on it immediately. NO ONE MISSES YOU COLIE. NO ONE. whoa. Derrick is gonna be a Daddy? How does that make any sort of sense. oh lord.

All She is Is Another Mouth to Feed
"you can at least leave the rest of us some food" - Dunbar
what a gentleman. hilarious. ashli. who?
"go home already stop eating our food" - Dunbar
"Is she sitting there rolling her eyes at me? Stop being a bitch" - Dunbar
can someone remind me-- was he the one that stalked people with knives?
"Colie. You're a bitch" - Dunbar

Wow. this guy is a champ. Managed to avoid all camera time until he starts spurting out insults and profanities like he's got tourrets.

Face/Off
Jenn wants in the Alliance. Gross.
Paula is skinny. If she wins I will be personally insulted.
Ashli is missing a toe, and clearly needs to go into the face/off. Maybe she'll be lucky and it'll involve hanging upside down like a sloth.
Ev's hair is huge and she wants a key. to go with her visor.
Johanna and Paula want to take on the gimp, and are willing to endure verbal abuse from their "alliance" mates in order to do so. you girls are stupid.

Wow. TJ. Is. Struggling. With. The. Cue. Cards?
12 for Jenn
3 for Johanna
11 for Paul
HOW IS COLIE THE ONLY ONE HERE CAPABLE OF COUNTING?
108 for Ashli
2 for Ev

Plague
This is why you shouldn't piss God off. Right? Right, God????
Cohutta be chillin. on the couch. with his net. hahhahaha. HOW is it possible Cohutta and Colie are the most reasonable people on this entire island? Hope those bugs aren't carrying anything fatal.

Challenge: Ball Buster
Each of them has to pick a dude. Now we got
Ashli and Derrick
Paula and Dunbar
Jenn and Tyree
There is a ball. A huge ball. that you have to roll into your goal. twice. and you win. also you get a bootleg bose.

I wish I could even describe what I am seeing but Tyree is a house and Derrick is full of rage and Paula has an eating disorder and Ashli can't really use her feet.
Paula can use her thinking skills and managed to get Jenn to collaborate in order to win. ugh. I guess if I was bleeding all over I would probably want out too.

Paula wins? this is not what I expected to happen. Guess Dunbar is hungry with good reason.

Jenn's body will give you 100% all the time (that's what she said). Chick without a toe can't.
TJ thinks Ashli is a quitter. Dear TJ. Let them quit. Please.

Next Week: Ev gets thrown to the wolves. Or does she?

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because L.A is the devil's cafeteria

i'm actually not waiting three days to write this up. you know what that means.

this episode was good. this episode was holy-hell-this-is-uncomfortable-i-can't-keep-the-awkwardness-and-lies-straight-good. it was are-they-actually-airing-this-i'm looking down and no one is even around and i'm alone yet severely uncomfortable-good. i'm glad to see that post-halftime, mtv got the ball back. can we hang onto it long enough to score? we know stephanie can, but if we can't, can we please have a nasty tackle in the season finale? ok, lots of ground to cover.

isn't l.c's trainer the one whitney went on a date with? and we all know dinner in l.a means sex and dvd night means golden shower. now they're all just sitting around shooting the shit? oh right, l.a is the devil's cafeteria. silly me.

trainer: you don't go out with your girl's ex unless you get the stamp of approval...coming from a guy's point of view. translation...now that we're all here, can i collect that stamp from ya now whitney so i can see what lauren's doing later?

let stephanie's web of lies begin and she looks like wilbur to boot.

2= number of seconds stephanie and l.c talk about erroneous crap before the duggie bomb is dropped. im glad to see mtv is not wasting too many precious minutes. i have a schedule to keep.

stephanie says she deleted doug out of her phone. highly unlikely considering she wastes no time in asking l.c if she is going to duggie's party. l.c, being the marie curie of the cast, asks how she knows about the party if they aren't talking. good question katie couric. i am floored by lack of effort stephanie takes in lying. it really is astounding.

holly gives heidi the world's worst birthday present and actually seems sincere in thinking it was a sweet idea: having mom show up when she doesn't know spencer and heidi are living together. wow, nice work holly. no, i mean it. thank you for playing. we now have the first of multiple hot-as-fire awkward moments when spencer sits there while mom tells heidi she basically disapproves. then declares she wants to have lunch mano y mano with him. is this a punked/hills crossover?

sidenote: mom i'd be more concerned that your daughter has reconstructed her body and face.

wait for it, wait for it. who is having dinner? our new favorite couple cheetogirl and doug. hmmmm how in the world do you arrange dinner when you deleted someone from your phone? more importantly, they are totally having a golden shower because duggie just suggested dvd night. da vinci, we have broken your code.

doug, you my amigo, are pathetic. check out this text, come watch a movie last night. is that the best you can do? i have gotten juicer texts on my lunch break. also, fifty bucks said you did watch that movie late night. don't lie to me boy. it's not my fault she over tans. you did not just say "hit me up over bbm". i'm going to pretend i don't know what i think that means. blackberrymobile. i dont know that. you are disgusting.

brody: "if she cries she cries" oh snap. its a player duel at high noon.

now we get to the part of the episode that made me unable to look directly at the t.v. this scene should had a warning label. HA for highly awkward. there is a god.

"i don't get uncomfortable my dear"-spencerlector to heidi's mom. um. i am now watching fear 2 and spencer is about to cut up heidi's dog and leave it for her mom on the dinner table. nicole, get me a coke.

i am shaking my head that the girls are actually getting mad about getting wet at a pool party...... but these are the same girls that hook up with doug. i also forgive it because it gives whitney the only quotable line ever about dug. "i don't even know you...and i don't want to". amen, sister. someone. has. standards.

it's fight night with the showdown between brody and steph. goldmine. i saw the texts stephanie. I SAW THE TEXTS. i know that dvd= golden shower. i know he peed on you. you liked it.

we interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to watch heidi making her own mom cry on national television. i do not understand how spencer hasn't gotten the crap beaten out of him yet. someone hit refill on the adderoll prescription a little too many times with that kid. can someone please walk upright and stand up to that sloth posing as a human?

we now come to the hands down best thing i have ever seen in a hills episode since jason graced our small screens. doug with the vocabulary of sarah palin attempting to defend himself yet caught between a rock and a hard place trying to make all of the below true.

1. i did not hook up with stephanie she is disgusting i want nothing to do with her

2. i did hook up with stephanie i can do whatever i want i did nothing wrong

3. i want to be friends with her

4. she is a lost little puppy

5. i did not go in public with stephanie

6. we had dinner, cant i have dinner with a friend/person i peed on?

7. what? what are we talking about? where am i? DUDES.

8. dude.

9. i heart golden showers.

you are my ex fling--that is my new favorite phrase. doug, i am taking your phrase and leaving you for the wolves

also, did it creep anyone else out that stephanie is hiding in dougs room? god, the comparisons to the movie fear are blinding at this point.

doug, you are so dumb its not even comical. its painful. there, there. shhhhh.

stephanie, the jig is up. stop lying. not only did frankie and brody throw you under the bus, doug then left you there with keanu reeves and some explosives. if i were you, i would have walked out and ripped doug's nuts off like a paper towel. also, this is filmed. your lies will be exposed in 12-16 weeks. aka now. real talk.

this episode was truly incredible.

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The ISLAND: F your way to the end

Previously: Abe gets attacked by killer wasps, goes home like a vagina. Johanna bones Kenny, audiences across America have violent physical reactions. LadyAlliance attempts to destroy JohnnyBananas-- fails.

And here we go...

What is this? Europe pre-WWI?
Alliances have been drawn.
Johnny, Kenny, Derrick, Dunbar (who may or may not know he's in like France at this point) + the tag alongs Johanna and Paula, both fine specimens of physical prowess.

Rachel, Jenn, and everyone else who hates Johnny. Hey, bananas. Hating you makes people smart, not Nazis. Ask Germany. They wouldn't have wanted you.

and the fighting, name calling, talking smack has already started. We are 2 minutes in and this is incredible. Frankly, I am starting to question the "doctors" that do the psych evals for these hoohas. I guess that's a pretty sweet gig considering if you don't do your job well, America and MTV's ratings benefit.

Survival of the idiots
Good thing Robin knows how to sail a boat. She really did work hard on her "boat" which i think truly means "bartop at coyote ugly". Robin, if you are already pissing off Derick, this really does not bode well for you.

Starving your cast members makes for amazing television
So...what we have learned from 8 minutes of this episode, yes we are still pre forst commercial break, is that when you starve people they. lose. their. shit. Fingers pointing, smack talking, crying, and we are all still hungry.

OHH CALL JO OUT ROBIN. You are hungry, and have the hungry rage black outs. I sort of want to give this girl an emmy for her radical restating of the obvious truth about Johanna being a whore. but what? Robin f'ed Kenny? Oh Robin. I hope you did some serious penance for that. disgusting. I actually can't really even look at you. Can i get a blue dot on her face? On both their faces? On all of their faces?

Dear Kenny. You do NOT look like the man. Johanna is... a mess. So is Robin. Your definition of "girls" is questionable. I hope hope hope hope hope someone destroys her. I also hope that Robin's rage lasts until the challenge. So she can kill Johanna in a hurricane of fists and elbows.

Hope there were c-doms in that airdrop
EW. Robin and Dan. Who are the same person, different genders? Gross. gross. again, gross.

Are Robin and Rachel going to make it official? I am without words. This is what happens when you make reality "stars" very bored and give them no food but endless booze. Jesus. These people need a tv.

Bring on the Bitches, bitches.
It's gonna be a ladies elimination. Bout time. Let's get rid of those "newbies", says Rachel, age 65.

If watching these hussies try to lift the air drop box is any sort of preview to the upcoming challenge, i simply can't wait.

Johanna is now saying that she doesn't want to volunteer until she see who is in. I am... confused. Did we not just see her scream, loudly, on camera, that she was ready to take on Robin? I guess that's sort of like not being ready to volunteer.

Rachel wants: Herself, Kelly Ann, and Ashli (who?)
sidebar. Rachel and Robin. Cooperate. Against Johanna. DUH.
HOW DID JOHANNA GET OUT OF THIS? WAS I THE ONLY ONE ON THE ISLAND LAST NIGHT THEN THIS SHIT WAS BEING TALKED? GAH! Also, how did Rachel become our biggest threat?

CHALLENGE: THE RACK
there are parallel bars. you will be on them. holding it as long as you can. TJ will ask you to assume certain positions. Yes that is as dirty as it sounds. also, you are a chinese gymnast with baby teeth.

Robin v Rachel v Kelly Ann
now we go

quote lavin: "butt on the poll, hands on the other". gross. i mean. gross. And they have been doing this for an hour? sweet lord.

And Robin is out. That was... fast. She is...screwed.

Jenn: "Rachel needs to open up her legs to keep her butt up there". I mean. Is that what you said to her in bed last night?

and... Kelly Ann WINS?!?! whoa. whoa. watch it Johnny bananas. your days may be numbered.

Vote or Die
Rachel is making a plea to the kennyjohnnyaxisofevil. best of luck to you, madame.
blahblah let's all talk strategy boringboring cut to the chase tjlavin

Robin wampwamp cry cry blahblah blubber blubber
Rachel....getting voted home. yow. this alliance scares me.
cue horribly obvious parting music waaaaaaamp

Next Week: stuff happens, I assume. DVR rebelling against me. the end.

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When L.C Is Away....Brooke Hogan Deuce will play

im late like bristol palin so lets dive right in...

this episode was good, but strange. i don't know if anyone else felt this way, but it seemed a little off-kilter. there was drama, however, so I will not complain. dear the hills, please don't get boring again. i will keep my mouth. shut. promise. 

ok. so i was a little confused exactly where L.C was going. maybe she had an italian photo shot, aka part of her "other" famous life which she can't mention on the show. oh the complexities of being a reality show star. audrina and lo will have fun...hahahahaha. they looked about as excited as someone skinny dipping with sharks. 

byeeee lauren......let the backstabbing begin.

staringatheblankpagebeforeyou...when the economy is in the pits, its amazing, this song can still get you going....speakthewordsonyourlips

the rest is still unwritten...oooohhhhhh ohhhhh

and we're back: cheeto girl is outside their crib. alone. puzzling. we have never seen her sans lauren or without engaging in inappropriate conversations with her own brother. tell me, stephanie, for you have most clearly sinned. sidenote: are they contractually obligated to tell each other they look cute EVERY time they see each other? from where i'm standing, which is infront of my macbook pro, stephanie looks like frankenstein painted the color of candy corn

brooke hogan deuce spills that duggie asked her out. audrina dispenses some biotch-you-best-not-or-you-be-killed advice to which stephanie responds with possibly the dumbest line yet (yes, eclipsing the hamster and guinea pig are the same animal remark): how would she find out? um, let's see here. you just told her best friend/roommate in her place of residence and there's also the little matter of EVERYTHING YOU DO THAT IS SOMEWHAT ENTERTAINING (which has been really nothing yet) IS FILMED. 

heidi's work event: i'm gonna bring spencer i think....woah, heidi...you really really are ahead of the curve on that one. spencer? as in, the only person besides your couch and your sister that we see you talk to? really? i never would have thought. sigh. you also are starting to resemble an actual barbie doll. no, like a tiny little made-in-china barbie with pastel makeup, seven inches tall. 

why is everyone wearing sunglasses when its overcast? why do i even bother asking these questions?

in the biggest coincidence since mccain picking a women, lo, audrina, spencer and heidi alllll end up at the same club. shockkkkkaaaa. heidi's voice sounds like a hamster dying. but they are all grownups now. which means, we can throw back buttery nipples with the best of 'em and wax poetic about who talked about whose sex tape first.

i almost almost almost almost almost do not hate spencer in this episode. because stephanie actually appears more pathetic in the pratt vs. pratt. 

check it. yes i do. he just said that the latest batman should have just been called joker. are these the things that actually make camera time? I WANT TO SEE STEPHANIE MOUNT DUG. 

YES, cut to the scene we watched this episode for: the man date between duggie and steph. 

their entire date consists of did you tell brody/l.c about dinner. DID YOU? wow, this is fascinating. is it weird you railed--i mean dated lauren? what are you doing after? doug asks. wellll doug before her next spray on tan she has some time for a quick bj in the parking lot. maybe brody's mom can watch. yes, she is there. though "mom" is a bit of a stretch. plastic lump that was left out in the sun more accurately describes this women that allegedly birthed brody jenner. 

doug looks about as comfortable as a man can be in a low cut v neck. cut to commercial. good thing. i am about to. lose. my. dinner. 

once again chiara is present for the sole purpose of making audrina not look completely braindead. THIS IS SO CRAZY that all this is happening while L.C is gone...and by gone we mean locked in MTV's headquarters.  

oh wait, she is back. that was, um, suspiciously fast. but, l.c tells us italy = a construction site. by that logic, i think stephanie = a dumpster.

what did i miss girls? um, well, your best friend hung out with your worst enemy and your new best friend fucked the last guy you dated. surrrrpriseeeeeeeeeeeeee. break out the pinata. 

back to our regularly scheduled brody-l.c paidbymtv dinner dates. let's see what brody has in store for you oh trustworthy one. italy was fun...yeah thats nice, stephanie went out with doug. she straight went behind your back. zinger. i think the best part about that story is that a)brody actually called that woman mom. 

cheetogirl is shady. and now l.c knows. i've known since episode 1 when they showed us the season preview, aka the reason i've continued watching even though there were times that doing laundry seemed more enticing. 

next up: duggie screws over stephanie in a classic case of am i gonna turn orange because i touched orange? all is ugly that ends ugly. 

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The ISLAND

Where we left off:
Kenny is a douche and Tonya got voted home. Johanna is a slut and Dunbar eats people.
Keys in hand: Kenny and Abe

so many questions:
Can someone PLEASE, after years of me asking, explain how Paula, who we all know is mentally unstable and has a debilitating eating disorder, is allowed on these challenges. I mean, she may have a HUGE upper hand on the Island since she uh doesn't you know, eat.

where's the beef?
Even if all you have is rice and coconuts, you still need to do the dishes, guys. In classic Real World fashion, we avoid cleaning up. I guess since you have to wash in the river, that it's somewhat more acceptable than in your multimillion dollar mansions. but still. you guys are gross.

say what?
"i would never take one of my friend's food and ate it" -kellyanne in defense of herself v johnny bananas. suddenly it totally makes sense why she's a perfect match for cohutta. here's the thing about johnny bananas. he doesn't matter. as a person. just ignore him. i do. every challenge. the end.

hulk smash
Derrick: "a typical dan night is like turning on the tv and watching someone be totally and utterly awesome" (cut to scenes of dan smashing everything in site and passing out face first on the beach). I mean when Dave and Derrick start judging you... you got a problem there buddy. dan claims to be "resourceful" and "not a liability". not sure i am convinced, dan.

WHY ARE THESE EPISODES AN HOUR I THINK I AM GETTING STUPID

OUCH
Abe: we were you know like setting crab traps because crabs are awesome and then this beautiful fruit fell out of the sky in front of me. so we was like heyyyyyyyyy let's climb that tree and eat that beautiful fruit. and then ARRRRRGGGGGGGAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
(cut to Abe running screaming crying)
hahahhahah Abe has been attacked by killer wasps. you know, the ones that can sting repeatedly. this. looks. awful. ON HIS LIP. and his EAR. and EVERYWHERE. oh GOD.

Robin and Kenny both live at home with their parents? UGH. can you get a 105th trimester abortion? Johnny makes KellyAnn crazy, yes crazier than she is without her pills, and runs to the sanest person on the island-- Ev. Careful, Kellyanne. you might just fall in loooooooove.

DAN IS INCRED
Basically Dan is like me and Realest on a Saturday night. around 10pm.
Cursing rapidly? check.
Going totally hurricane? check
Getting restrained? check
all i see missing is rapidly texting leading to massive regret, and blogging your face off, but it's the island so the wireless is a bit dicey.

dude, we think you have a problem. a DRINKING problem.
It's not Dan's fault. We can all see how BORING it is there. When MTV gives you zero food, zero to do, and alcohol galore, people are gonna get ridic. Sad to see his intervention is by some chick no one has ever seen before in braids and a sweatband, but this is the realest talk Dan has ever had. He WILL take care of this problem... WHEN HE GETS HOME. and not a day sooner.

ARMY ARMY ARMY ARMY ARMY
HOORAY! Food and Boat! Hooray!
How much longer do you think it's gonna be til Colie has to start pulling her weight?
ooooooOOOOOOOOhhhhhhHHHHHHH a CELL PHONE!?!? with 10 minutes talk time. and that is all. I am seriously disappointed that no one lost limbs over the airtime. but. that's cool. I can wait til the laptop drop.

Well since Dan's intervention stuck, Dave has got to take over the title of biggest drunk asshole. and we are BOOTING. NICE! the island is pretty much exactly like summer 2005, yow those were some glory days. and DAVE IS PACKING TO GO HOME. But where is he rolling his suitcase? the taxi stand? I like how the Island gives some assholes a chance to be leaders. like Jenn. and braids girl. and Ev. TJ Lavin. gah. BYE DAVE!!!!!

MARIO LOPEZ YOU ARE LITERALLY EVERYWHERE

Nomination time.
In classic JohnnyBananas fashion, he gets real bossy and decides there should be three dudes in, and nominates himself. in goes Derrick, in goes Abe? wasp killed Abe? Who already has a key? Dear Abe, I hope you win and destroy Johnny and send him home because I am tired of his face. If Kenny was Johnny he would be crapping his pants right now.

FACE/OFF
gametime!!! RING WRESTLE
there is a circle. and some rings in it. everybody grabs it. and tried to snatch it away from each other. last man standing with hands on ring wins. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. best of luck to you, gentlemen.

Wow. Derrick and Johnny. Wow. Gah. Abe...might kill you. he's a hurricane of fists and elbows. Abe is out. Derrick v Johnny. Derrick. destroy him. please. hahhahaha Johnny you tattled and got out hahahhaha.

Quitting is for losers
Abe... why would you leave? by choice? you probably will win this thing. and also you have a "business"? for some reason i seriously doubt this. What's hilarious is that if Jenn and Kellyann's plot works, they can knock out both of them. at once. POWER. how these bitches reasoned through all of this, i don't know, but i am impressed.
This plan is working. very. well. except, Paula? what are you doing? Ryan gets it. Why don't YOU?! COLIE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! dammit! Abe gave his key to Dunbar? Were they making out away from the cameras? I am so confused.

"can you imagine tonight with johnnybananas gone? sometimes i dream about it"- kellyanne. I don't know about you guys but i am just waiting for the two of them to sex out their anger. just do it and get it over with i am starving.


NEXT WEEK: New alliances! Robin takes Johanna on. and frankly, Robin has an incredible amount of rage and also her arms look great. she might kill you, Jo (pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasefingerscrossed).

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you win some you lose some

i guess its going to be up and down this season, wavering between frighteningly boring and all-the-backstabbing-blowouts-in one or two episode-chunks. if at least they could have prefaced this season with some sort of warning to that effect, i could have watched the marathons on getbackinthenews's dvr and paddled on to the good stuff. it is what it is though. ain't that the truth. let's roll.

you always miss a best friend. is this even true? i'm not sure i miss my best friends from elementary school and i'm pretty sure some of mine from junior high are currently terrifying portraits of human beings.... or so i see from thefacebook. oh well, l.c needs her truisms to be true to wake up every morning.

i thought spencer kicked holly out. puzzling. no wonder she wants to hang out with lauren. if i were holly, i'd be hanging with the mafia at this point. i'd be on the corner of alvera street in downtown l.a asking if i could share someone's shopping cart and take a hit off their crackpipe.

the tension with audrina has magically disappeared. or was the page on the script merely just turned. i guess that's eternal question. oh wow, holly JUST texted heidi. right as whitney is there to ask all the oprah questions. how do you feel about this? sit back on my leather couch and tell me lauren because my life is too boring for the show. i will not get my own spin off. i will not get my own spin off.

audrina's boss calls a meeting with her. this is the first time in the entire course of the show that i have seen audrina do anything other than talk about justinihavehpvbobby/lo on work time or IM/talk on her cell phone about which bar to get railed on that night. i actually forgot where she worked or what she even did. as far as i'm concerned, she gets paid to talk to chiara. but now she has to run a VERY TIGHT SHIP.

oh lauren/oh holly/i miss you/you look so pretty/oh godyawwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

family is blood. you do not mess with that. YOU DO NOT. unless your last name is pratt. then: go.to.town.

some italian restaurant the producers are paying jb to take audrina to: you look pretty tonight audrina...uhhh line please?....oh right, so you look pretty...... i like that dress. audrina informs jb its a skirt. jb says "you could have fooled me" he is too busy wondering how long since he's been tested or showered. my guess is before the clinton administration. for both.

jb says audrina is "accepting", which is stonerspeak for i can walk all over you like aerosmith and you keep coming back for more. oh nevermind, justinbobby says their situation is wayyyyy different than hers and lo/lc's. uh, yeah, because you bone. and because unlike with the girls, she doesnt even attempt to get fakemad when you screw her over. buenos dias, rock bottom.

lc is not convincing at all in pretending she wants to see 'the white tie affair' showcase. OH MY GOD THEY ARE COINCIDENTLY PLAYING THEIR SINGLE AS THIS SCENE ROLLS. MTV, you epitomize subtle.

sometimes friendships are even harder than relationships....wow i gotta think about this one before i fully wrap my mind around it. give me a minute. i'll come back to this.

audrina is taking shots. i guess tequila is the key to running a tight ship. works for me.

this song is sort of making me want to chug cough syrup. "thanks for coming lo". my worst enemy is here but justinbobby has not even texted me back. ouch. that. has. got. to. hurt. more than last night for drina if you know what i mean.

holly/heidi showddddoooown. not really. they both make me want to pull my hair out and feed it to myself.

stephanie is talking to a member of the band who looks like he's a straight extra from planet of the apes. she secretly got her tongue pierced once: translation: you can pee in my mouth tonight drummer.

chiara needs a bang trim. or maybe just a bang. see, the things that i notice when the episode. BLOWS.

old plot lines with jb and audrina. to quote al gore, i love recycling but this is ridiculous.

stephanie, braids are not a good look for you. and the soap opera music has begun. we have split scenes of heidi and l.c discussing their friendship nostalgia. it's so unfortunate how things have ended. yes, yes it is. it is unfortunate you had to date satan and it is unfortunate that l.c told you about the sex tape she made with jwol and that you sold your soul to perez hilton for fake boobs. 'tis. sniff. sniff. maybe one day, by a miracle, they'll be friends again. you always do miss a best friend, according to l.c aka hemingway. we shall see. maybe the scene that had producers crying was not the one we have already seen. maybe there is hope for this show yet. or maybe, we have seriously plummeted.

next up: the h is o. we're back with brooke hogan's twin pouncing like a striped cheetah on doug and brody telling-all to L.C. thank god. this sounds like one to press stop on the dvr.

till next time.

signing off with my sarah palin generated name

fowl overtime.

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THE ISLAND: Premiere

What is the island?
Based on the vague, somewhat nude, screaming ads, it's difficult to tell. Maybe we can find out tonight.


Catching up with the cast

KerryAnn, or whoever she is, is breaking out like she never has in her life. Good. You deserve it. You're kind of awful.

Dave is convinced that everyone is underestimating him. Well, Dave. Remember your season? Yea that Joey guy kinda stole the "crazy as shit" title right from under you. sorry, brah.

RACHEL?! rachelbutnotfatiraqrachel? Original Lez Rachel? It's been like... years since we've seen you. Also, you can exist without having Veronica glued to your ass? You CLAIM to like being totally alone.

Tonya. You live in small town NEBRASKA? They let you in? I guess you do sort of look like children of the corn. uhhhhh... again remember how you PROMISED several years ago on "true life: i am at reality 'star'" to never do another challenge. Some promises really have no business being broken. I am kind of furious with you. Although you claim to have your "act together"

Dan. Who is "Dan"? Ashli? try again.

Dunbar... ate a guy? And took all his strength? He is HUMONGOUS!

Cohutta! um, you can do... sports? and stuff?

Robin. So. Many. Challenges. Such. Big. Boobs. Coyote. Ugly.

Derrick is a Daddy? Does he shake the baby? by its head? everyday? and it's not even illegitimate!

C.O.L.I.E. remember how bad you looked with "curly" hair on your season? Yea, ok well this is not fair and I don't think it is okay for you to have to look like this in my face, across my flat screen, for weeks. PLEASE.

Johanna is single? I thought that like Wes was marrying her. And She wants to make out with KENNY? UGH. gross. ugh. gross. I am actually throwing up.

Remember how Abe is crazy? Considering this challenge is pretty much about killing everyone else around you, he might just win this bad boy.

HEYYYY TJ LAVIN!!!!!!!!
seriously bring me back Johnny Moseley. For the love of God.

Let's get down to it
- There are no teams
- There are no challenges (?!?!)
- You will live on a beach, stranded, for the whole season
- oh yea and THAT island, there's $300,000 of treasure
- The Army will be dropping supplies. Yea, the Army. Shouldn't they be in Iraq?

so... the implicit rule here is that there ARE no rules

The Island has:
- no electricity
- a scare amount of water
- beautiful interior design
- rice
- copious amounts of alcohol
- absurd hook ups on the first night

You Do the Math
So, 8 of you can get on the island...but there are like 40 of you there. have fun with that guys. Oh and also, start swimming.

Let's make some bets:
Winners:
Ev, Dunbar, maybe Kenny which will really piss me off, Abe

First to break:
Kelly Ann, Colie, Johanna, Cohutta, Dave, Tonya

We are officially 9 minutes in an Tonya is already losing it. ithinkiloveyoumtv. watching that b cry is like one of my favorite pasttimes. ever.

"I just don't do that"
What's that, Jenn? You don't like girls and you don't make out with them, so then, uh, what are you doing with your tongue and Rachel's mouth?

Ryan and Kelly Ann not a bad combo, as long as he promises to drown her while feeling her up in the ocean.

Kenny v. Tonya
PLEASE destroy each other. That would be like the greatest gift anyone has ever given man kind. as far as reality tv is concerned. and also please make sure the camera guys can get it on tape. to review in slow mo repeatedly.


So are we gonna start this game or what?
Start by: building a boat
Then: get the stuff that Army dropped for you

uh. anyone else beyond confused? This is starting to read like an Army recruitment video...

In the Boxes:
- Meat
- Fish
- Toilet Paper
- Some boat stuff

Ev: "I can't stand the sound of Johnny Banana's voice. I would love to gut him like a fish. I would demolish his little body". Please, Ev. Do these things you speak so poetically about. Do them for me. Please. oh god, please.

Kenny and Johanna actually just made me gag. I bet Wes is crying into his giant pillow watching this air. Ha ha ha ha ha.


Treasure Chest needs 4 people and 4 keys. I think. TJ Lavin is HORRIBLE at explaining things, as we have learned from the last billion years of challenges. Something about a public vote, something about begging your way back in when you lose a gauntlet like 1:1 face off. And also you can steal from your friends. I think this means:

to get a key you must:
- win a face/off (or)
- win an elimination begging match (or)
- steal from your fallen comrades

How are we only 30 minutes in? This is ridiculous.

Face/Off
this is incredibly confusing. You can like... battle anyone in any combo you want. WTF. First face/off: Abe/Kenny/Tonya, although it was a close call between KellyAnn and Ashli

The Face/Off: Leaning Tower
- 3 poles in the water with holes
- climb the poles to ring the bell and get your key
- the dowels for to climb are underwater like 50 feet away
- also if you lose you can beg to stay and maybe get the second key
- don't forget to put on your snorkel mask
And GO!

Abe wins. Tonya is a mess. Kenny is pissed.

This process of elimination is ridic. Beg to stay. literally beg.
BYE TONYA. BYYYYYYEEEEEEEE. sort of wished they kept her stupid ass longer, but honestly these new kids are twice as crazy. Back to the farm, baby.


Kenny: "of course I am running the show. In the olden days they used to take the most beautiful man in the village and make him king".
Kenny i want to kill you. I hope Johanna gives you every STD known to man.

This Season: All hell breaks loose.

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