After limping to the finish line of this season like a guy with rubber legs who couldn't finish the Iron Man, the Denver cast clumsily came to end at 1 TRL Studios, Times Square, New York. Our favorite not as-hot-as-Vanessa VJ, Suzie, hosted. She, of the Hills after party and of grainy and badly pixelated streaming videos everywhere, was ready to ask the most in-depth and soul searching questions. Personally I couldn't think of anyone more qualified to MC our little reunion. In the words of Samuel L. Jackson before he got eaten by a raptor in Jurassic Park, "Hold on to your butts."
10:00 – Ok so for some reason we're still watching American Idol. But I can't look away. Damn you, Rupert Murdoch! Way to stick to every other show on television. I feel like it's 1900 again and Carnegie and Rockefeller are monopolizing the shit out of everything. Robber Barons everywhere. Someone needs to Trust-bust this monopoly of America's tv watching time. I vote for Sanjaya in a spin off...but on NBC. They need all the help they can get.
10:02 - I'm guessing most people who are actually watching the re-union right now are wondering, "When did Brooke's breast get so big?"
10:04 – Jordin Spaaaarrkkkkssss!
10:04 – And now we're back. Tyrie is now talking. A lot. About what I'm not sure. This is exactly like dropping in on the middle of someone else's conversation. Check that. Not "like," it is. Oh wait someone just mentioned being drunk. Ok now I know exactly what night they're talking about.
10:06 – Montage of Davis talking shit on camera about everyone. What a queen…I mean drama queen. uuuhhh (awkward.)
10:08 – Colie: "The hardest episode for me to watch was the one when Davis started saying what was bad about our bodies. I mean. I didn't sign up to be judged." Uh first of all, yes you did Colie. I'm pretty sure that form said "waiver" at the top. And second of all, that episode isn't the one you should be worried about. I'd be more worried about the four or five episodes where you coughed, and snotted your way through multiple sexual partners. While Davis saying you aren't attractive is bad, having visual confirmation that you're also a dirty dirty hobo is even worse. You also pooped in an envelope. On TV. Gross.
10:13 – Great lead in, lead out music. That song that goes "do do do do, do do do do do, do do do do dooo." Well it sounds better in myhead. More like this (play prentender). Now we are being treated to a montage of Brooke crazy-ing the fuck out. Oh happy memories. It's montages like that that help me remember why I kept watching this season.
10:16 – I love watching Brooke and Davis relieve just the tip. I didn't realize it at the time, but they spent a lot of time putting fingers and other objects in each other's orfices. Just now watching I could tell when Davis had and had not pentrated something. I think it was everytime Brooke made this face. This somehow leads to a debate between Stephen and Davis about whether or not being gay is a choice. Uh shouldn't the have already had this conversation, like in episode three? Apparently unlike many other homo-phobes from previous seasons (see Theo), Stephen did not learn to love his fellow gayman (sounds like a superhero, no?). Tyrie is now referee-ing, understanding the need to keep things civil. And probably to protect Stephen from making himself simulatneously the least liked and most boring cast member of the last five years. He's like monica from Friends. Shazam!
10:25 – Hook ups we did and didn't see. Alex makes up more than half of the footage. Hilarious and nothing new. Except Tyrie got to make out with a Brooke shaped person. When did that happen? On the getting ass meter, I'd give this season a 7. Not a 10 like Las Vegas, but not nerely as bad as the asexual Philly cast (sans Sarah).
10:28 – Alex is incredible. He half facetiously calls out Colie for being in love with him, knowing full well it was true. The man has got balls. And I think that's also the only thing he has said tonight. This is kinda awkward.
10:30 – Alex: "Some people come to the Real World to grow and learn. I came to have as much fun as I could. And wear a lot of pink." And now Tyrie and Stephen are trying to throw salt on his game. Clearly, these two have been hearing nothing but shit from their boys back home about how Alex was triple the player they were. "He wasn't a pimp. He had no game," the two humbled men exclaim. Yeah but they simply have overlooked the subtly of Alex's game. In the words of Ludacris, "I ain't gotta say shit. The money speaks for itself." Just change the word "money" with "vagina" and there you have Alex's game. As someone who has known many a mute playa, it's all in the eyes. All Alex has to do is shoot the "im gonna fuck you" vibes and he's back at home disrobing. It works. Ask Enrique.
10:39 – And now, Outward Bound memories. God I forgot how selfish and lazy most of these people are. Tyrie: I'm so glad we got to do that. Climbing things, as a black man, really helped me grow. Davis: "Seeing that footage made me wish I was back there again." Stephen: "I hated being out there and decided to shit on our job and boss whenever I could." I think Stephen is the first Real World guy to come off worse during the reunion. How can you possibly come into a pre-arranged taping without preparing a script of talking points to cover up for all the horrible she you did or said during the season? Furthermore, the reunion provides MTV with the opportunity to evaluate your skills and talents in the arena of hosting Real World Season 20 preview show/competing on a Challenge. My guess is we never hear from or see Stephen again.
10:43 – Tyrie gives a jeep to one of the kids from New Orleans. And thank God he was black. I was really confused by the whole helping destitute children of New Orleans thing when half of them were white. Does that make me a racist? Probably a little.
10:50 – Revisitng Tyrie's fight/arrest with Jazelle. You know how some people never forgot 'Nam? Denver is Tyrie's 'Nam. It's only a matter of time before Tyrie witnesses a CT or Kenny type urinating in public during a challenge, and tackles him screaming "I've never been arrested before" and "Jazelle, just stop talking!" Tyrie says he doesn't remember any of it and Jenn jumps to his defense. Not surprising that the alcoholic jumps to defend the guy who didn't react well to drinking. Jenn then successfully segue ways to separating normal Raiderette Jenn from Real World Jenn. I'm not sure if I follow. They look the same to me.
10:55 – And now we get to pick the new Real World cast. I love how the producers have already narrowed it down to the perfect real world types. The crazy bitch. The kinda slutty girl. The guy who never wears a shirt. The guy with red hair? When did Eric Stoltz apply?
10:56 – And we close with the candid cam shots. That's right, noses being picked, people shitting and farting, and nudity. Lots of nudity.
10:58 – And Colie ends the season with these last words: "Rock on Denver." Talk about anti-climatic. Let the house's collective wet blanket send the show out. If we've learned anything, Jenn has a lot to say. Let the most verbose cast member say the good-byes. Rock on, Rockstars.
2 comments:
Colie is more disgusting than a homeless person. She is just so bad all the way around.
If I saw tape of myself acting and looking like her, suicide would be really tempting.
The worst part about that stinky cunt is that she seems to have no remorse or compunction about how she acts, like it's normal to be a mega whore and a nut case.
we have our first use of "the c-bomb" in our comments sections.
that was awesome.
i'll c u next thursday.
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