Real World Hollywood :: Episode 2 (in which we debate the degree to which these people are fucking out of their minds)

Opening Thoughts: We've switched to a 13-episode, "hour-long" format meaning we've said our long, hard goodbyes to the 26-week, "half-hour" version of the show. It does appear to have put more weight on the narrative aspects of the franchise and taken some of the pressure off the characters to do something absolutely bat-shit insane for 26 straight weeks. Of course, this won't stop them from going about their certifiably bi-polar business for 13 episodes in a row. Let's check in with our cast.

Joey: Is it just me or is Joey kind of likeable? He calls his grandma just to say "hi." He says he is done with going out and drinking. He loses at arm wrestling to a guy who is, I don't know, half his size. All of this is just a little endearing. That being said, Joey is going to absolutely rip someone's face off this season. It's hard to know who or when but it is going to happen. Watching him go from David Banner to You-Wouldn't-Like-Me-When-I'm-Angry to JoeyHulkSmash during the arm wrestling sequence was, at best, concerning. At worst, it was limitlessly terrifying.

Kim: Last week we told you that Kim had the potential to be one of the most ignorant characters in show history. This week, we'll tell you what you already know. And I quote: "Don't get ghetto ... Ok, don't get ghetto." And then minutes later, "I don't care where you're from: inner-city where-ever ... Blacktown." I'm paraphrasing here, I kind of blacked-out during Kim's showdown with Bri. I do know that she referred to Bri's hometown of Philadelphia as "Blacktown" which is apparently the racially insensitive sister city to "African-Americantown" (Newark). Amazingly, Bri didn't slit Kim's throat. Amazingly, they made-up. Amazingly, Kim is here for 11 more weeks. If you are a member of the non-white population, step to the deli counter and take a number because a lot of people are going to want to fight this girl.

David: The following things are in play: 1) David is making a serious play for Kim. He couldn't care less that she has the racial-panache of Jefferson Davis. 2) He's less arrogant and more fun than I originally thought. Referring to the women of the house: "You guys are like my sisters ... who I would totally sleep with." That's just being honest. The Johnny Bananas parallels are striking. But don't forget, without Johnny Bananas the Key West season would have been almost unwatchable. Sometimes going a little Johnny Bananas ain't a bad thing.

Sarah: She claims to be irritated about cast-mates encouraging her to cheat on or break up with her boyfriend. And yet. She invites dudes back to the house. And when Will makes passes at her, she dodges with all the effort of a 1,000 pound matador. We want her to cheat. Will wants her to cheat. Fuck, even her boyfriend probably wishes she would cheat so his time in relationship purgatory/hell would be over. Also, memo to Sarah's boyfriend: I wouldn't tune in every week. It would be like watching someone try to swim across a shark-infested pool. You know they're going to get eaten, it's just a matter of when and how. No one likes to see the end of their relationship captured in stunning high-definition. Also, dude, lower your voice on the phone. You sound like a chick. No wonder she's going to leave you.

Will: Possibly a massive scum-bag for the way he is trying to sneak-attack hook-up with Sarah. He claims to not be "game-on" but Greg makes the salient point: "You've got the jersey on, and the shorts on - you've even got the J's. And you're telling me you don't play basketball." It's as complicated a metaphor as we've ever seen on this show but it almost, almost works.

Bri: Makes out with Joey. Pretty much has no clothing on at all times. Brings two random dudes back to the house who "can help us with our career." Since, the guys are "song-writers" and "singers" and Bri is the only person who wants to sing, I'm not sure who the "us" is she's referring to. This all leads to the screaming showdown with Kim, all begging the question: if you're a stripper, you have to (HAVE TO) have a comeback to "go find your pole." You simply can't go out into the world without one unless you plan to lose every argument from here to eternity. I might have tried, "Aren't you late for your Klan meeting, oh Grand Wizard?" Kim's got nothing on that. Blacktown. One more time. BLACKTOWN. Bri, don't let this chick float on.

Greg: Actually turned in a solid 41-minutes of television. Seemed more engaged and even bonded with Will, Joey, and Bri. Didn't seem shifty until he appeared to encourage Will to hook-up with Sarah while she was drunk because otherwise she'd be thinking clearly and not do it. Besides the possible sexual assault angle, I think Greg gave us his best effort.

Final Show Thoughts: Subway. Subway. Subway. I know you bought ad-time. I know you want product placement. But do Greg and Will really have to bond for the first time over a 5-dollar footlong? Does Kim really have to sing-out to Bri (in a peace-offering), "You want some Subway?" Is this the first-time a Real World fight has been resolved with corporate sponsorship. Next week: "Kim's racist comments are brought to you by Saturn and the people at Nestle."

Hollywood: Stop coming over to the house. I know you all want to get famous. In other parts of the country (San Diego, Austin, Chicago, New York, Denver), it seems the Real World cameras end up getting crowds of people to talk smack to the cast-members and it all ends with verbal and physical confrontation. People everywhere else want a piece of the characters. In LA, everyone wants a piece. Of the facetime. This isn't about fighting. It's about fighting for fame - which I guess is sort of the point. Is my 6-inch Italian BMT on Herbs and Cheese ready yet? Thanks Jared.