Real World: Hollywood :: Episode One

The Real World is an evolving document. Like the Constitution or the McDonald's Dollar Menu, the show is constantly adding new twists, and revising old rules. Facing a not disappeared, but decidedly shrinking viewership, MTV has looked for ways to set the franchise on fire again. Don't forget that two of the last four seasons (Philly, Key West) have been boring groups of relatively unattractive people doing relatively unexciting things, save Landon almost stabbing Mel in Philly. This season we're headed back to LA, with a centralizing theme (people who want to be in showbiz) and a DIY-Internet voted character (the first populist cast-member in show history). It's Season 20. Let's do this shit, Hollywood.

As always, we'll start with a breakdown of cast members, predictions, and cereal box psycho-analysis.

Joey: First reaction: who ate Brad from San Diego? The kid is massive. If nothing else, Joey promises to drunkenly murder CT on the opening night of the next Gauntlet/Inferno. More importantly, Joey is from Chicago and "has never been anywhere else." His accent tweaks vowel-sounds until they are almost unrecognizable. From the season previews, the odds of Joey having an extremely dark encounter with someone and being thrown off the show are about 75-80%. Presenting the obvious question: In a no-holds-barred alley fight, unarmed, how many of your friends could Joey kill before you subdued him? Assume you are all attacking him at once and assume you have enough friends for the task. Wait, assume you don't. Predictions: He won't last the whole season. Number of cast-members made-out with: 2. Number of times he eludes to a dark past and says things like "you don't know me, dog!": 56

Kimberly: This is the love-child of Cameron from San Diego and Mel from Austin. She's from the South and appears to fill the role of "naive, adorable, but potentially racist female." Every season needs one. The males in the house initially think about sleeping with her until they realize that she may or may not be the Grand Wizard of the local Klan chapter. Is this unfair? The jury is out. Predictions: A few drunken make-outs remixed with 40,000 uneducated statements about people, places, and things. This chick is going to declare war on nouns. Cast-members made-out with: 1. Crazy-rating on the Brooke-Denver Scale: 5.

David: In the first few seconds on television, David said the following, "I am really, really good at almost everything but I want to find that one thing I'm really excellent at." It's like Johnny Bananas finally found his running mate for the most arrogant Real World male who will probably list "ATO President" ahead of any other life accomplishments. Predictions: Not smart enough to start any real problems and not so dumb that he'll back into the racial bullshit that can cripple white male characters on this show. If he were gay he'd be Davis - but if he were gay, he'd hate himself. Meat-sticks UNITE!

Sarah: There are two things that are interesting about Sarah. One, she graduated Arizona State at age 20. Precocious, right? But, her degree was in broadcast journalism. It's like being the Doogie Howser of the retards. Two, she has a boyfriend who, very unconvincingly, looked into the camera and said, "if anyone messes with Sarah, I'm going to find you and kick your ass." This kid couldn't take a 4th grader. And of course, he doomed Sarah to break Melanie from Austin's record, of "fastest time turning on your boyfriend." Mel took two episodes to make out with Danny. It took Sarah two hours. This is like Roger Bannister's 4-minute mile. It's a benchmark in history. Unless people make out in the car on the way to the house, Sarah's cheating record will stand for eternity. You are in the presence of greatness. Predictions: Sarah's boyfriend shows up at the house before realizing that even the female characters could whip his ass behind the woodshed. He will then slink back to the upper-middle class hole he crawled out of. Advice: Don't look Joey in the eye, big guy. He will eat your heart. Cast-members made-out with: 2. Number of times being uppity: everything all of the time.

Will: Wanna-be music producer who hopefully won't be making "Come on be my baby tonight (the remix)" in ten weeks. Will also seems destined to make out with the majority of women in LA. This could be like Tek in Hawaii. If you were a woman in a bar in Los Angeles right now, why not just take off your pants first so you can save Will the time? I mean, if you would like to swap spit with a D-List reality television celebrity, this. is. your. chance. Cast-members made-out with: 2

Brianna: 1) Is a stripper. 2) Has a warrant for her arrest. For punching her boyfriend in the face. 3) Is racially ambiguous. 4) Likes "keeping it real." Predictions: This girl has no ceiling. There is no limit to what is possible. Cast-members made-out with: 1

Greg: This is your guy, America. You had 20,000 choices and you selected someone with the screen-name: PretyBoy. Did you not see this coming? Greg calls women he hooks up with "Associates" which is just enough to piss off a young woman with a working knowledge of Margret Sanger. Sexual liberation is a bitch. Greg also became the first reality television personality to refer to his fellow cast mates as "peasants." Greg also broke the all-time record for resolving to "just not talk to my roommates." It took less than 50-minutes of television for Greg to decide never to speak to his housemates again. Predictions: Greg is going to fight someone. More likely, Greg is going to get his Prety face punched in. Cast-members made-out with: 0, none, never.

Hollywood: This is going to be like Austin but worse. These kids are bigger, dumber, and better looking. Wrap up your genitals. Keep your daughters in the house. And don't ever, ever look Joey in the eye. Do it to it.