Real World Hollywood :: Episode Five (A Guest Lecture)

The MTV Reality invited a guest lecturer for episode five and, frankly, from the quality of this thing you might be seeing more of her around here. She can probably drink you under the table and has been labeled as "fiesty," "Derek Jeter," and "completely out of hand." Ladies and gentleman, I give you Phoebe. ps- Rumor has it she made out with Alex from Real World Denver. Big. ups.

I don't wanna be labeled as the Lebron of this blog--choking when it matters most--so I'll keep this short and sweet. This episode promised somewhat big things and did not deliver. Don't get me wrong, I think putting a suicidal Joey on the show was morally reprehensible at best, but without the beefed up alchy, much was left to be desired. If you're gonna divide this up into hour installments mtv AND take away our Joey, don't give us all the flare before the first commercial break. I'm going to break this shit up into cast-members so I can keep the dysfunctionality straight.

Kim: I called this from second one. The southern innocent act only gets you so far but anybody with half a brain and working sexual organs can see you would gouge David's eyes out if he attempted to mingle with the opposite sex. The only reason David made it out alive is because you pulled a Joey and cried your face off. Sadly, it wasn't as interesting 'cause you held out for as long as Elliot Spitzer after the first prostitute. You and David are two seconds away from a slightly less revolting Melinda and Danny with a third of the IQ.

Sarah: Wow, didn't realize you were a raving bitch until this episode. I think it's pretty much understood that the second you sign on to be on the Real World, all your creditability when judging others is lost. Yes, Bri's a stripper. Yes, I would probably wash my mouth out with gasoline if I had to touch her, but you are on the Real World. I repeat, you are on the Real World. Hollywood. A million and one bibles can't change that fact. You don't come off as morally superior. You come off as a bitch. Jesus + The Real World, we've seen it before and we'll see it again. Go saturate yourself in the word of the Lord. You're still being filmed doing idiotic shit. And your boyfriend is ugly. Next.

Bri: Hey, I defended you from "Satan in the flesh" and you had to go and sleep with Kevin Federline's twin, "Hoho". Not that I was at all surprised, but if you are gonna bring home a guy with a matching silver glittery revolver belt and earrings, at least make it something we will want to stay up and watch. He grabbed your ass and you whined about liking him, but not continuing it 'cause you need to concentrate on "you". You are a stripper. I expected something....different? I'm not even being judgmental, I'm just bored. I don't even necessarily believe you had sex with Sarah in the room. All I saw was you two laying in bed together. Asian wizard guy behind the curtain, where were you on the camera angles on that one?

David: Wow, you took all of .00003 seconds to cave like a cheap card trick when Kim asked you to "cuddle". If you're gonna verbally chest bump the audience every five minutes of the episode, follow suit. We all know you're thinking with your penis, but at least pretend to have a spine. "You wanna play it like that?" Well David, you played it like this. You brought that "hooker" as Kim so eloquently put it, back to the house just to walk her across the fake grass and say goodnight. Then you pretty much sold your penis to Kim for the next 8 installments. I wanted an all out bitch brawl and you gave me "If I hook up with anybody else, I'll tell you". No, no, no, no, no. You think Kim peed on you in the beginning to mark her territory? Well, buddy, she just hit you in the face with the hydrant.

Greg: I'll forgive you for the boring segment on your modeling because you had the best line of the episode hands down re: Kim's meltdown: "it was a rodeo clown circus show".

Will: Do you think anyone watching thinks you're actually getting your music pursued because of the quality? You're on Music Television homeslice. This shit was probably set up before you landed in LAX and will be dropped faster than you can say "Where is Joey?". Brianna has a MySpace page. If you have a track on Chicken Wing's album or whatever, we're not impressed.

Joey: Honey, Baby, Roid-freak. I miss you. Come back, fall off the wagon and throw some shit around. Then hook up with a tramp and actually seal the deal before crying to your roommates about your troubled past. How many installments = Rehab ? Operation.Bring.Joey.Back.

*On a sidenote, that hyped up "fight" between Greg and David was the most anti-climatic argument in the history of the Real World. It did not warrant a commercial to get us all riled up when it lasted about as long as it took Britney's sister to get preggers. We have come a long way from Seattle when 2008's altercations consist of tapping, yes tapping, someone with a newspaper on the nose, just to apologize six seconds later. Zzzzz. I expect better things, ahem Joey, next week.