Opening Thoughts: Simple. The middle 20 minutes of last night's Real World were the most intense in show history. You would be hard pressed to find a single moment or even a parade of images in any other individual episode that touches Joey's singular, seminal, and shocking performance last night. In terms of shock-value, only Danny getting punched in Austin and Davis/Tyree's racist and homophobic showdown in Denver even touch Joey Hollywood's rock-bottom freak-out. As we wrote last week (and the week before and the week before), Joey will be leaving the show. Just not for good - for rehab, for help, possibly to return.
Let's keep this thing light and keep our awards format rolling along:
The "Hulk Smash" Award: Joey. Joey. Joey. There aren't enough different ways to address what happened between when the cast left Tokio and 8.30 in the morning when Joey was packing his suitcase. Let's review what we know: 1) Joey refused to stop drinking while at the bar and continued drinking upon returning to the house. 2) Joey pounded a six-pack of Michelob Ultra and a magnum (1.5 liters) of White Zinfandel between the hours of 4:30am and 8:30am. If you're scoring at home, that's something on the order of 14-16 drinks in the four hours AFTER HE LEFT THE BAR. 3) Michelob Ultra and White Zinfandel. I'll say it again. Michelob Ultra and White Zinfandel. 4) Joey threatened both Kim and Sarah, at one point saying, "Did you say something?" and charging into their empty room (because they were cowering behind the couch in the common room). He made vague references to "knocking them out" with "one punch," only to prove this fact by hitting himself in the head while Dave stood in stunned silence. 5) Joey then proceeded to throw things around his room while saying he was "leaving." 6) All the while, Joey made a series of increasingly paranoid statements about "them" and how "they have the power" but "they don't see." Oh no, they don't see. 7) All this ended with Joey laying alone in the dark, eyes open, not asleep and not awake, staring into the limitless void.
Analysis: There was no ceiling for what Joey could have done during the hours of 4am-9am. If he had killed everyone, I wouldn't have been shocked. If he had murdered a camera man or a producer and all we had was some grainy, Cloverfield footage of Joey hunched over a body, blood around his mouth and a disembodied liver in his hands, it would certainly have been graphic - but not unexpected. He could have actually exploded like a gigantic 6-foot 2-inch time-bomb, not metaphorically, but really exploded. Who would have been shocked? Joey was capable of virtually anything. Turning his body into a massive inferno wouldn't have been that far off the playbook. Taking this all into consideration, the fact that no one was hurt or killed is going into the books as a dodged bullet for the cast, crew, and production staff. This could have gotten really, REALLY ugly. This will certainly affect the way this show is cast in the future. You just can't, can't, can't allow someone with sociopathic addiction problems and emotional disturbance into a house with other relatively (and I stress "relatively") normal people.
The "Underrated Insensitive Comment That Got Overlooked Because Joey Almost Murdered Someone" Award: Kim. Hey, Kim, I'm going to kick you some unsolicited advice: Don't say things like "You know why people strip? To pay for their drugs. And that's true." Especially if one of your roommates is a stripper. It's just not a good policy to have out in public. Although, to Kim's credit, Brie both strips and has done a lot of drugs. Maybe Kim is just processing information as it comes to her. And who can blame her? Don't get ghetto.
The "These Guys? Really? These Guys?" Award: MTV Real World Producers. When the nerdy-looking Asian producer and the taller, profoundly unattractive producer met with Joey, I was mostly struck by how unassuming they were. I guess it's like the Wizard not really being a Wizard at all, but just a man, pulling levers behind a curtain. MTVs producers are not evil geniuses, just nerdy little dudes with limited scruples about putting psychologically unstable people on television.
The "Soap Opera Acting In A Supporting Role" Award: The MTV Producer who said to Joey, "We do care about you. A lot." How many times do you think he ran that line backstage before he thought he could pull it off with a straight-face on camera? Five? 11? 40? I just picture him trying out, "we do care about you," and having the whole production staff crack up laughing for 90-straight seconds until one of the producers said, "but seriously, no one is going to buy that."
The "You're Never Really Out" Award: Joey's first phone call to the house after being in rehab reveals that he is with Dr. Drew from Loveline and most recently, Celebrity Rehab. What are the odds that MTV sent Joey from their Real World show directly onto the next season of Celebrity Rehab? Can't you picture Joey, thinking he's going to get help/away from the cameras and attention, only to find he's on another reality show. It's like those mob movies where the main character can never really go straight because he keeps getting pulled back into a life of crime. Joey might be a prisoner on television for the next 60 years. He might have signed his life away to MTV/VH1. What were the details of this deal? Was he contractually required to break shit until the ratings picked back up? Is this all a setup?
The "More Than You Bargained For" Award: To the plastic blond who stayed over at the house with Joey. On one occasion she calls the wine Joey is putting in his face, "sweet," in an obvious attempt to make out. Joey doesn't want to make out. Joey loves you but he's chosen White Zinfandel. Subsequently, she lies in bed with Joey while he laughs maniacally and eventually she leaves in fear as he throws things around and turns into the Hulk. There are a lot of things that this girl probably thought might happen while spending a night in the Real World house. This. was. not. one. of. them.
The "Best Line Of The Night" Award: To Greg. "Dude, put down the White Zinfandel." Easy and in a landslide.
The "Less Than You Bargained For" Award: Brie and her "strip club." When she said she was a stripper, I sort of imagined a few things when I pictured her place of employment. Most American strip clubs resemble one another in a few crucial ways, sharing enough similarities to generate a mental image. Brie doesn't work in a strip club - she works in someones garage. By this metric, Brie isn't really a stripper - she's a garage-no-clothes-wearer.
Looking To The Future: It's possible this season has done too much too soon. Don't forget that Denver and Austin started in really promising fashion only to die, die, die in the middle of the season. The 13-episode format does lend itself toward maintaining momentum and not boring us but it's possible that no event (or events) will match the Joey Freak Out from last evening. If you have DVR, go back and watch it again. It gets more terrifying every time. There is no moment where you feel safe. There is no moment where you feel Joey is remotely in control. There is no moment where you feel like you aren't watching the beginnings of the first murder in reality television history. Get help, Joe. We care about you. A lot.
Let's keep this thing light and keep our awards format rolling along:
The "Hulk Smash" Award: Joey. Joey. Joey. There aren't enough different ways to address what happened between when the cast left Tokio and 8.30 in the morning when Joey was packing his suitcase. Let's review what we know: 1) Joey refused to stop drinking while at the bar and continued drinking upon returning to the house. 2) Joey pounded a six-pack of Michelob Ultra and a magnum (1.5 liters) of White Zinfandel between the hours of 4:30am and 8:30am. If you're scoring at home, that's something on the order of 14-16 drinks in the four hours AFTER HE LEFT THE BAR. 3) Michelob Ultra and White Zinfandel. I'll say it again. Michelob Ultra and White Zinfandel. 4) Joey threatened both Kim and Sarah, at one point saying, "Did you say something?" and charging into their empty room (because they were cowering behind the couch in the common room). He made vague references to "knocking them out" with "one punch," only to prove this fact by hitting himself in the head while Dave stood in stunned silence. 5) Joey then proceeded to throw things around his room while saying he was "leaving." 6) All the while, Joey made a series of increasingly paranoid statements about "them" and how "they have the power" but "they don't see." Oh no, they don't see. 7) All this ended with Joey laying alone in the dark, eyes open, not asleep and not awake, staring into the limitless void.
Analysis: There was no ceiling for what Joey could have done during the hours of 4am-9am. If he had killed everyone, I wouldn't have been shocked. If he had murdered a camera man or a producer and all we had was some grainy, Cloverfield footage of Joey hunched over a body, blood around his mouth and a disembodied liver in his hands, it would certainly have been graphic - but not unexpected. He could have actually exploded like a gigantic 6-foot 2-inch time-bomb, not metaphorically, but really exploded. Who would have been shocked? Joey was capable of virtually anything. Turning his body into a massive inferno wouldn't have been that far off the playbook. Taking this all into consideration, the fact that no one was hurt or killed is going into the books as a dodged bullet for the cast, crew, and production staff. This could have gotten really, REALLY ugly. This will certainly affect the way this show is cast in the future. You just can't, can't, can't allow someone with sociopathic addiction problems and emotional disturbance into a house with other relatively (and I stress "relatively") normal people.
The "Underrated Insensitive Comment That Got Overlooked Because Joey Almost Murdered Someone" Award: Kim. Hey, Kim, I'm going to kick you some unsolicited advice: Don't say things like "You know why people strip? To pay for their drugs. And that's true." Especially if one of your roommates is a stripper. It's just not a good policy to have out in public. Although, to Kim's credit, Brie both strips and has done a lot of drugs. Maybe Kim is just processing information as it comes to her. And who can blame her? Don't get ghetto.
The "These Guys? Really? These Guys?" Award: MTV Real World Producers. When the nerdy-looking Asian producer and the taller, profoundly unattractive producer met with Joey, I was mostly struck by how unassuming they were. I guess it's like the Wizard not really being a Wizard at all, but just a man, pulling levers behind a curtain. MTVs producers are not evil geniuses, just nerdy little dudes with limited scruples about putting psychologically unstable people on television.
The "Soap Opera Acting In A Supporting Role" Award: The MTV Producer who said to Joey, "We do care about you. A lot." How many times do you think he ran that line backstage before he thought he could pull it off with a straight-face on camera? Five? 11? 40? I just picture him trying out, "we do care about you," and having the whole production staff crack up laughing for 90-straight seconds until one of the producers said, "but seriously, no one is going to buy that."
The "You're Never Really Out" Award: Joey's first phone call to the house after being in rehab reveals that he is with Dr. Drew from Loveline and most recently, Celebrity Rehab. What are the odds that MTV sent Joey from their Real World show directly onto the next season of Celebrity Rehab? Can't you picture Joey, thinking he's going to get help/away from the cameras and attention, only to find he's on another reality show. It's like those mob movies where the main character can never really go straight because he keeps getting pulled back into a life of crime. Joey might be a prisoner on television for the next 60 years. He might have signed his life away to MTV/VH1. What were the details of this deal? Was he contractually required to break shit until the ratings picked back up? Is this all a setup?
The "More Than You Bargained For" Award: To the plastic blond who stayed over at the house with Joey. On one occasion she calls the wine Joey is putting in his face, "sweet," in an obvious attempt to make out. Joey doesn't want to make out. Joey loves you but he's chosen White Zinfandel. Subsequently, she lies in bed with Joey while he laughs maniacally and eventually she leaves in fear as he throws things around and turns into the Hulk. There are a lot of things that this girl probably thought might happen while spending a night in the Real World house. This. was. not. one. of. them.
The "Best Line Of The Night" Award: To Greg. "Dude, put down the White Zinfandel." Easy and in a landslide.
The "Less Than You Bargained For" Award: Brie and her "strip club." When she said she was a stripper, I sort of imagined a few things when I pictured her place of employment. Most American strip clubs resemble one another in a few crucial ways, sharing enough similarities to generate a mental image. Brie doesn't work in a strip club - she works in someones garage. By this metric, Brie isn't really a stripper - she's a garage-no-clothes-wearer.
Looking To The Future: It's possible this season has done too much too soon. Don't forget that Denver and Austin started in really promising fashion only to die, die, die in the middle of the season. The 13-episode format does lend itself toward maintaining momentum and not boring us but it's possible that no event (or events) will match the Joey Freak Out from last evening. If you have DVR, go back and watch it again. It gets more terrifying every time. There is no moment where you feel safe. There is no moment where you feel Joey is remotely in control. There is no moment where you feel like you aren't watching the beginnings of the first murder in reality television history. Get help, Joe. We care about you. A lot.
1 comments:
top four things i am most terrified of:
4. cyclones
3. the opening scene of Jaws
2. keanu reeves in speaking roles
1. joey
things i learned from last night's episode:
hard honest work = mcdonalds
bri looks less like a stripper actually stripping than she does roaming around the house.
runner up best lines:
"what i have a problem with is that there's no other side to your argument"- david
that, uh, doesn't sense...kim is no rhodes scholar, but i'm pretty sure in an argument david, kim presents her side and you present yours...
"it's a little dive, hole in the wall, pop-shop strip club. very different from what i'm used to back in Detroit"- Will
umm...rewind. say, what? in other news, detroit has classy strip clubs.
last but certainly not least, did anyone else think for a split second when joey was filmed "asleep" with his eyes half open and glazed over, that he was dead? no one else? ok, i should just stop talking. mtv, this isn't a joke anymore. this is effecting my life.
Post a Comment