Real World Hollywood: Episode Seven : (Your Dad died because ... oh no)

Opening Thoughts: Well, this season is officially on the fast-track for Real World immortality. It's taken all the early intensity and managed to keep the momentum going and even upped the confrontation-level each week. Some people felt Will was going home last night. I knew better. The producers simply couldn't have two of the strongest male characters leave the house. What would we be left with, Dave and Greg? I actually felt it might be Greg's turn to do something historically dumb/emotionally destructive and leave the house. He kept his cool and actually ended up seeming ... sympathetic?

This episode was, at best, extremely complicated. We're going to try to hold things together.

Kim: Well, I guess we learned a few things about you. One, alcohol makes you lose your clothes like an amnesiac dry cleaner. Two, you made your play for the starring role in the third Basic Instinct movie. Sitting, legs crossed, completely naked and talking about what a mess you've become, well, we have no choice but to call that astute. Then, during the all-cast (minus Sarah) make-out session in the hot tub, you made out with Greg. I will say, in all honesty, I did NOT see that coming. You are racist. You said people lived in "Blackville." You said, "Don't get ghetto." You, arguably, hate black people. Do you know Greg is black? Is this you "getting ghetto?" I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news but making out with Greg might have been the most tolerant thing you've ever done.

Sarah: You're making a habit of bringing people in the house that are woefully unprepared to be there. First, you brought your boyfriend Ryan. Then you brought in your brother-in-law. He tried to negotiate with Greg. He tried to resolve things. Instead:

(HE'S GETTING HIS OWN RECAP!)

Brother-In-Law: (inner-monologue) Ok, I think I can resolve this thing. If I just remember the principles that Jesus taught, we can build peace in this house. Uh oh, this Will character is hitting walls and showing off his bloody knuckles. I think we can salvage this. Wait, wait, they're yelling. Oh God. Oh God. Things are about to erupt. Maybe I should just ... slip away from this kitchen table before they decide I pulled some these pranks and try to kill me. RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! RYYYYAAAANNNN!!!

Bri: Well, you tried. You tried to resolve the Greg-Will-Dave brawl. You tried to remind them that they couldn't fight. To which Dave responded: "WE CAN'T FIGHT! WE CAN'T FIGHT!" I guess saying things around Dave is a little like speaking into a microphone. He'll just repeat whatever you say, but much, much louder. Another pantheon moment: you're reaction to being told Joey might need a "dry" house. You said, "I mean, I came here to network." And by "network" you meant "slam booze."

Dave: I don't know what to do with you. You say things like, "I'm not an angry person. I'm just aggressive." You yell for no reason. You broke the record for number of times saying "I'll knock you out." I mean, CT had that record and you. just. smashed it. And then you apologize to Greg and speak about handling communication in a more equitable and direct manner. You are one part war-monger and one part diplomat. It's like Dick Cheney and Warren Christopher inhabiting the same body. I mean, if Cheney-Christopher was wearing a hoodie and had the IQ of a house plant.

Dave's Mom: Best line of the night, "you've got a lot of fucked up shit running through your head right now." I mean, wow. Is that a mother or a MUTHA?

Greg: In a weird way you came off looking good. Will going after your dead father and your ability to avoid physical confrontation with Will and Dave makes you almost, almost seem likeable. Now, you close the episode naked, trying to have a 40-drink heart-to-heart with Will while your "female associate" sits and waits for whatever is going to happen next. I mean, is she going to blow Will again? Is she going to sleep with you? She's just so flexible. A real self-starter. Up for anything.

Will: You really blew it. You took a bunch of people (viewers), who would gladly have gone into battle with you against Greg, and led them to a war they didn't want. No one wants your homophobia and disrespect of the dead. Also, saying that Greg's dad died because Greg was gay makes about as much sense as Kim at an NAACP rally. You did manage to hit a lot of different parts of the house. Walls, wood-panels, palm trees, the door to the production office? Wait. Did I say production office?

(yes, yes I did.)

Production Office: Even in Denver the producers were off-site. And then David and Tyree went all Israel and Palestine on us. I think you got rattled. I think you realized how fucking bat-shit crazy your casts have gotten. I think you realized someone might die. So you set up a little satellite office INSIDE THE HOUSE. Isn't this admitting that your show is so volatile that you might need producers 5-feet away from the cast at all times? Isn't this like putting a police precinct in the heart of a bad neighborhood? Except you BUILT the neighborhood. It is YOUR neighborhood.

Joey: I'm sorry, dude. You look healthy. I'm glad you got help. But you're going straight back into Sodom and Gomorrah. The drinking isn't going to stop. Did you see the look on Dave and Bri's face when the substance counselor told them they might need to keep the house "dry?" It was like they got assigned a 30-page paper. It was exasperation. Bri "came here to network." Bri came here to get hammered. You need to stay clean. You need to not drink a magnum of white-zinfandel and a six-pack of Michelob Ultra. You need to not do these things. Plus, there's lots of fun stuff to do without drinking. Just ask Dave. He wants to go bowling. And you can't make that up.