Opening Thoughts: It is worth noting that everyone is hammered all the time. During major showdowns everyone seems to slur their speech and barely remains coherent enough to say, "I'm gonna knock that muthafucka out" or "I'll punch (fill in the blank female castmate) right in the face." In a related story, the threats of violence against women are running at an all-time high. Other than Kim's Pantheon "Don't Get Ghetto" moment, race has been a non-issue. There is no flamboyant gay character in the house. So the vitriol from the cast has turned against women. It's certainly the first time in Real World history where a woman's nomenclature has mostly consisted of "associate," "female" and "ho." Granted, as Kim said, there have been a lot of "naked ho's" in the house. So maybe this isn't just a problem for the boys. Even chicks are hating on chicks.
Kim: Holy hell, you aren't just racist. You're insane. Granted, Dave has been sleeping with you and probably saying nice things during your late-night pillow talk. But, if Dave wants to go out and bring home some girl, you can't really try to explode the situation like a drunken Fourth of July. There are rules and then there are RULES. One of the RULES is that you don't go to the friends of your hook-up buddy's new hook-up (got that?) and tell them capital "L" Lies about your former hook-up buddy. You and I both know that Dave is going to be in your bed next week anyway. Sub-point: your sabotage continued later in the episode, only this time in satisfying fashion when you set Greg's "associate female" up with Will. That was funny. C-blocking your boy Dave? There was a convention in Geneva someone probably told you about and that shit is illegal.
Sarah: Your boyfriend might have won over the cast but he's still on our shit-list. Kid folds faster than a house of cards. In fact, he's getting his own recap. BAM!
Ryan: You are a B. A total B. Greg is calling your girl, Sarah, every name in the book and the best you can do is stand there like a kid on the first day of school. Did you lose your lunch money? Do you know where the nurse is? Fuck, SAY SOMETHING. And the best you can come up with is, "Don't call my girlfriend __________ (fill in the blank insulting insult)." Nice, you really showed him. If anything, don't you come out swinging, even under-sized? The producers can't kick you off because you're leaving in 24 hours anyway and Greg probably goes home for doing violence in the house. This is win-win. If you just. step. up. Also, why are you walking around in athletic shorts and a v-neck sweater? Who dressed you? Steve Hawking? And why are you sitting up in bed with Sarah, fully clothed and not even close to making out? I know you're both Christian and read the bible but she's certifiably hot and you can't seem to get excited/passionate about her. Keep sleeping on it, dude. Will's got the fix in for you. Will's got something coming.
Bri: Well, you flipped out at Greg in the first 20-minutes of the show. Which was predictable. And you sort of bonded with Greg's "female associate." Other than that, the night was a Bri shutout. We did get a brief glimpse of you and "Ho Ho" in the hot tub. I think losing Joey as your addiction running-mate really sucked the life out of your character. Is there any Meth in the cards? Any more arrests? Any more "watch where you sleep, bitch" type outbursts? Color Me Disappointed.
David: Well. You did it. After flirting with idea of opening psychological war-fare on Kim's feeble brain, you really did it. Kim invites you into the shower (this was subtle but DEFINITELY happened) and you said something like, "I'll be there in a minute." Which was totally true if by "be there in a minute" you mean "be sticking my tongue down some random blond girl's throat." Well done, sir. You actually set a lot of the events of last night in motion by destabilizing Kim in about five seconds flat. All of a sudden Kim's c-blocking you and then you and Greg are getting into it over who's gotten more tail and then everyone hates Greg, so Greg steals Sarah's underwear and Sarah goes batshit insane which leads to Ryan folding like France 1939 and Greg's eventual admission to Will that he did, in fact, steal the underwear and Will, smelling a rat, rooking Greg's "associate female" into a confessional-room BJ. It's all in one sentence, Dave, and it's all your fault and it's all beautiful.
Greg: A time-line of your time in the house would look like "HATE HATE HATE like amused like perplexed HATE HATE HATE HATE." You seem proud of your ability to enrage everyone. You seem proud of your ability to pull "cool" pranks like "putting rocks in someone's bed" and "leaving $450 on your own bed." You are, in short, a genius. Dave unleashed some shit on you when he said "what are you going to do, Greg? Call me a peasant?" Oh shit. They TOTALLY heard you in week one!
Will: You are a man that respects vigilantism. You saw something you thought was wrong: the theft of undergarments. And you decided to do battle. A few things happened. 1) You ended up getting face in the confessional which is, I believe, a first in show history. 2) Sarah got her underwear back and now respects you as a "friend" which means your odds of sleeping with her just multiplied by three. 3) You outed Greg as a paranoid, low self-esteem, crazy dude. It was like you prodded around for five weeks finding where he was weakest and then, in one great swoop, destroyed everything that was PretyBoy. The Internet might have made Greg but you, Will, ended him. Oh, in other news, you and Dave better get real close, real soon because Joey is in rehab and no one is talking to Greg.
Final Thoughts: Line of the night goes to Kim who while talking to Ryan and Sarah said, "I'm not drunk ... I mean, I'm drunk." Mental instability + problems with addiction + substance abuse + the pressure of being constantly watched and followed + a crushing bout of narcissism = Real. World. Hollywood. Keep it rolling, folks. We're getting into early Vegas territory now. If you finish strong, this could be one of the best seasons in history.
18 comments:
It is no great mystery why Ryan was such a bitch last night; black dudes are terrifying to pudgy white guys. It is one of nature’s laws like “cats chase mice” and “periods are disgusting.” They are too. *barf*
Anyway, I think it says something about me that the crazier that Kim gets, the more I like it. I want to split her in half more than the guys on the Manhattan project wanted to split the atom. It that to crass?
i think it's safe to say ryan is the biggest pansy this side of the mason dixon line. i don't even use words like that, but there's just no alternative. the boy was using women's face wash as he claimed will better not mess with him or whatever. this is not to be outshined by the fact that he sat by sarah's side like a golden retriever with a chew toy as her parents told her to read the bible for the billionth time. i am beginning to think its easy to be a devout Christian. Every answer is the same. Tsunamis and cyclones? read the bible. War in Iraq? read the bible. a dude who likes dudes? read the bible. it's a blanketed solution. no need to work overtime. however, this is mtv, so i can't get into any deep shit. basically, i'm beyond surprised ryan didn't get knocked the fuck out.
if greg used the phrase "female i associate with" one more time, i was gonna put my head through a wall. will, you're up a few notches, but i'm still pining for jojo. almost cried when i didn't see him in the preview for next week.
andy, if i say kim's "not that hot", will you fly into a rage like david?
No, I'll just assume that you are more normal than me, which is kind of a turn off. Do you really want to do that Phoebe? Do you?
As for being a devout Christian, some of the biggest sluts I ever knew were huge Bible thumpers. Kind of funny how that works.
hate to burst your bubble, but i'm not a bible thumper either. but you know what? i'm going to take your question as rhetorical for now and save the answer for a rainy day. or for when kim says something intelligent. so, rainy day.
all things being equal, how long do you think you would survive in the real world hollywood house? assume the following:
1) it's the entire original cast (including joey)
2) you are the size and strength you are now
3) you must participate in conversation
i say the average human lasts ... 12 hours. i'd give myself 18 because i watch a lot of this stuff and think i could dodge joey, bri, (blackout)dave, greg, and kim's under-handed tactics.
i would last for a full day i think. ambitious, yes, but consider the following:
1) i am small and could hide from joey in places he can't fit
2) have been friends with bigger sluts than bri
3) would be equipped with tequila to combat kim
i could carry on relatively normal conversation w/will. sarah, david and greg would annoy me to literal death.
all of this is negated by the fact that if joey physically came at me after a bottle of zinfindel, there would be a phoebe shaped hole in the side of hollywood.
"2)have been friends with bigger sluts than bri"
absolutely brought the house down in my office this morning. none of these people know you but they. are. amused.
comments on this blog = new heights
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I think I could last the entire time. Here’s why:
I realize that RW is the perfect storm of white trash drama and frat house mentality. I have loads of experience with both! Besides, I think I know how to deal with everyone in the house:
1. Bri – Just pretend like all her crazy issues are normal and every now and then I’d slip her a $20
2. Dave – Every time he said anything he thinks is clever (Whambulance!) I would just give him a high five
3. Greg – Just tell him how great he is and always have a white girl on stand by.
4. Will – Probably the easiest to deal with, we’d probably talk about rap most of the time and even if he doesn’t I will always let him think he knows more than me
5. Sarah – Find out whatever her favorite food was and I’d make sure it was always on hand
6. Kim – I think I would probably treat her the same way Dave has treated her but with more subtle hints that she’d have to act like a real whore to keep my interest. Guilt free threesome, here I come!
7. Joey – The key here is to avoid direct eye contact at all costs the second even a drop of alcohol touches his lips. Plus, I played rugby in college so I know that if it came down to a physical confrontation, I can really take a beating and hopefully he would get bored with hitting me. I imagine he’s a south-sider and as such a Sox fan so we could bond over our mutual hatred of the Cubs (I’m a Cards fan.)
If all else fails, I will hide behind that improv lady, she looks sturdy, like a brick schoolhouse.
andy, you might have played rugby in college, but Joey played roids to the face in college (ok college is a stretch--we'll just say during his youth). he makes the MLB look like they collectively ate a few steroid sprinkles. the boy voluntarily and repeatedly slammed his head into a wall. i'm pretty sure a brick would bounce off of him like a ping pong ball.
joey, the jig is up. come back to us.
I'm going to call a spade a spade. Despite the fact that I am HIGH-larious as well as handsome, when Geoff said "comments on this blog = new heights" he was really just talking about sweet Phoebe.
The fact of the matter is that I can't see anyone posting any comment as clever as the brick/ping pong ball analogy.
So well done little lady, well done.
well, melinda and danny were set up from word one on that mountain top in austin. i'm feeling a similar thing with phoebe and andy. could this be the mtv reality's first relationship? we'll just say we knew you when ...
When will the Episode 7 write up be posted??
my thoughts exactly. look alive, geoffrey. i have comments on deck.
as someone who had to sit through last night's episode when all i wanted to do was watch the celtics game, i would also like to see the recap posted.
maybe i should just get my own tv.
i will riot.
Uh, F the Celtics. The Pistons are the team that people want to see. I'm so tired of effing Boston in every title game in every sport.
DVR FTW!
i think people really want to see a write-up of last night's episode. can we at least agree on that?
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