The MTV Reality invited a guest lecturer for episode nine after the fine work she did in week five. She can probably drink you under the table and has been labeled as "feisty," "Derek Jeter," and "completely out of hand." Ladies and gentleman, I give you Phoebe.
This episode had far too much to recount in one recap, so I'm going to discuss this the old school way--storybook fashion--and just hope I don't leave anything out.
We open with Joey on a treadmill again. He's 30 days sober and one hour away from drinking, we hope. He says everything is different now and we are led to believe this whole gym thing is new. I'm sorry, booze or no booze, wasn't he always the size of a mack truck? Mike, Joey deuce, is on the phone asking Joey if "they are gonna have fun". This is the dude who introduced Joey to crack and Zinfandel, aka the guy MTV gave a first-class ticket to come out to Hollywood in order to get this show rolling again. Meanwhile, Bri is singing. I kind of want to hit the bottle myself during her rendition of the star spangled banner. Ohhhh Joey, care to join? Will is acting like Bri's pimp, I mean manager, while her mom tells her to have a back-up plan. Isn't stripping technically the ultimate back up plan? I can't really picture her doing anything else at this point.
Joey is rolling a few deep as his sober brothers with matching luggage come into town. This is a tale as old as time: the angels and the devils brought out to play see-saw with Joey's addiction. They go to a Hookah bar, but we got about fifty minutes left so I ain't worried. Joey has high anxiety and everyone is trying to get him to drink/give him advice. Bri wins line of the night less than fifteen minutes in when she tells Joey to "fuck everybody that's behind you". Yeah honey, we know that's your philosophy, literally. Nietzsche isn't it? Sarah babies Joey and I kind of want Greg to magically appear and punch her between the eyes. Joey's venting and says he "wants to go to the nearest bar and get wasted". Oh....I see...on second thought, Sarah, bitch your heart out. Tell him hair gel might actually give him more anxiety. You know what else might increase anxiety? Steroids. Just a thought.
Will is mentoring Bri and tells her to go sing on the street. Will, have you learned nothing? Telling a stripper to go stand on a street corner is called enabling. Not to mention that singing with an MTV camera beside you is hardly making it on your own. Still, I think she'll get bored in five minutes and prostitute herself out on Hollywood and Highland. I don't know about ya'll, but I'm thinking what's more interesting is how it's probably t-minus thirty minutes till we get a hate fuck between Joey and Sarah. She's talking to Wet Blanket and crying a river about how Joey is cold to her and how it's a slap in the face. Ryan tells her she "has enough to deal with, with her own crap". You got that right, buddy. Your girlfriend is REALLY whining to you about how she wants to do ungodly things to JoJo and leave you on the phone to listen. How can we get Sarah and Joey biblical AND get Joey to parachute off the wagon? While we mull that one over, some d-list chick is coming over to "take Joey's head shots". Is this a euphemism for a bj? I mean, I'm sure Bri is giving head shots to Hoho in the next room as we speak. Instead of seeing anything remotely entertaining, we hear more about how Joey just realized he's in "the worst possible place coming out of rehab".
In other news, steroids make you mind numbingly stupid. Oh shit, Joey just compared Sarah to his ex. Dagger or come on? You decide. All this Lifetime Movie Special talk is making a great backdrop for a doggy style night on the pool table. Come on frigid bitch, one sexual favor to keep JoJo off a cliff and you could be rid of that loser boyfriend AND redeem yourself for an entire season of zzzzzzzz. Kill two birds with one lay. Do it.
We're back from commercial. Dave has his planner out at Improv. Dude, didn't you get the memo? This is not a real job. You work at a bar. While I'm at it, didn't you also get the fax? Glittery shirts on dudes are not sexy. Bri is moving forward with her "career plans". I was under the impression that happened when she went down Moses on HoHo in episode three, but these are minor details. Joey is threatening everyone with goodbyes, which makes Bri sad cause she sees so much potential in Joey. Can someone please fucking sleep with Joey? This isn't rocket science. We have a stripper in the house. David tells Joey it's ultimately his decision whether to stay or go. Of course he says this within inches of a bar. I have to hand it to the cast. They are tap dancing on the line of morality. Cue shitty fake-me-out Pearl Jam music. We got less than twenty minutes and we have to get Joey laid, drunk, or preferably both.
Bri's fellow strippers, I mean friends, are in town. Joey is crying for the umpteenth time this season. His grandmother tells him to think of all the loving people waiting for him in Chicago. Yes, Joey. Think of that. Or, you could think of the massive, cold bottle of Zinfandel right here in the fridge. It can be allll yours for the low low price of more viewers. Joey mentions hitting up a bar again, but it's all talk. Just when I think the last strand of hope is lost, the boys wake Joey up and are going to a strip club. it.just.got.interesting.at.10:42. Bri has another winning line with "I thought I was one of the boys, I wanted to go to the strip club". Bri, you don't go to the office on Saturday. Everybody knows that, jesus. The boys are slamming down waters while getting lap dances. This looks about as fun as the dentist. Joey sees the strip club as a genuine show of love, but he's still going home. Tear. I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy yet wondering how the fuck Joey is still sober. This is some serious John Nash shit. He is giving his last confessional. He mentions the holy trinity of jail, rehab and death. I have to say I'm a little disappointed. It's not life and death until the Zinfandel is actually clenched in your roided up fist. The piano chords are getting stronger. Joey is sharing his goodbye letter, which reads like a "True Life" article of Seventeen.
"I tried to hang myself in my basement". Scratch. Scratch. Jigga what? "This was right before MTV contacted me about being on The Real World". Yeah, that's about as coincidental as more than one child molestation charge being brought against Michael Jackson.
Oh, we're not done yet. There is a separate letter that is addressed to crack. Yeah, you heard me. It begins: "Dear Crack." I want to hide under my covers, but Joey just usurped Bri for line of the night with the last line of his letter: "What you gonna do when the 12 steps run wild on you?" Bad Joey, Bad Joey. What you gonna do? What you gonna do when you don't let the Zinfandel run wild on you? All the roommates are playing dumb about his cocaine use. This sure is a reassuring bunch. "Makes you think about shit, huh" David chimes in. Eloquent, Bandana. Eloquent. David also goes on to talk about his true friendship and full support of Joey. PLEASE. You were taking Vodka shots while Joey was unpacking his shit from rehab. Joey tells the camera Hollywood will either make someone or break someone. Well, if nothing else, your fifteen-minutes will be bat-shit crazy. Now we have five roommates and three minutes. This is not cool. Bri's friends are telling her to picture everyone naked before her show. God, they are just lining stuff up for me right now....
Bri's song is worse than a bad Idol audition and I'm about to break my TV. It's over. Just like that, Joey fades into MTV oblivion. Without fucking Sarah or Bri OR taking a sip of Zinny. I feel like I just got broken up with before getting to see where it went (rock bottom). Joey, how can you leave me like this? What about all the good times? The breaking shit? The fat blonde you terrified? The Zinfandel left alone in the fridge? Rehab changed you, but it didn't change me. I guess some people just grow apart....
These new roommates better bring it.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Real World Hollywood: Episode Nine (nadir)
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37 comments:
Fantastic job Phoebe!
You had me at Joey on a treadmill, you had me at Joey on a treadmill.
andy don't make me blush.
follow up:
would you rather contract all the STD's Joey has or pick up all of Bri's?
I'd personally go with Bri. She might be a stripper but I think it's safe to say Joey doesn't remember the last five to ten years of his life.
this really was an outstanding moment in literature. i just dont know how this show is going to stay relevant with new roomates and no juiced-up wack-job.
i know. i fear we might go from san diego to philly in 2 weeks flat. fingers crossed.
answer: george costanza (seinfeld), omar little (the wire), joey (the real world: hollywood).
question: what are the best 3 characters in modern television history?
farewell joey,
"if I could, then i would, I'll go wherever you will go"
/the calling'd
Check out this Joey update:
http://www.realitytvmagazine.com/blog/2008/06/12/joey-leaves-real-world-mm-agency-enters/
(you may have to scroll down a ways.)
ben, i completely agree. but joey would murder both costanza and omar without breaking a sweat.
George, sure, but Omar?? He was a stone cold killer that put fear into even the hardest gangster on the streets of B-More.
i think Joey could turn Mr. Olympia into a tiny cube after one bottle of Zinny.
Are you pinch hitting again tonight Phoebe?
i think old faithful is up at bat.
Maybe you should have done it after all P.
geoffrey is vacationing, so i'm going to riot and post my new comments here on the old episode. i realize this is bold, but have i any other choice?
You can do no wrong in my book sugar pants. Anyway, I hope you don't mind if I go first...
Let's break it down:
1. How about all the random cameos from all the previous Real World/Challenge cast members? Fun times. The only thing that's missing is CT. He did get name dropped, which is good, but having him appear on this season will put it over the top.
2. Dave actually seems to be pretty good at this improv/hosting thing. Nice work on getting drunk before a performance too. Once a douche, always a douche.
3. Kim's boobs made a return last week and they looked really nice. It's clear that she is a bitch but I am willing to look past that which is more than I can say for...
4. Sarah has become the ultimate wet blanket super bitch. I'm starting to think that sleep mask is her best friend because almost every time we see her out of the confessional she has it on. And every time she is in the confessional it’s whine, whine, whine, bitch, bitch, bitch, judge, judge, judge. No wonder she dates a chubby dork doormat. No regular guy could put up with that for five seconds.
5. Speaking of bitches, here’s Will! You know, if you are going to be a player then be a fucking player and if you are going to be Mr. Faithful then be Mr. Faithful. Don’t pussy foot around and hang out on the fence trying to play both sides. That’s just lame. Now I would assume that since you are ON the Real World you have at least SEEN the Real World and you know what kind of a bitch Janelle is. So why would you be so sprung on her so fast? I mean she is hot sometimes and is probably really good at the angry sex but if you are on TV in a town full of hot random box why would you want to tie yourself to one girl? That’s why Will is a bitch.
6. Greg’s sluts showing up randomly last week was great. That Reva has got a severe case of “jungle fever” to go along with her severe case of gonorrhea.
7. The new guy roommate looks like a deflated Timbaland. So there’s that. The new girl roommate has moments of hotness but there is something slightly off about her head. I think it’s because her hairline sits a little farther back on her head than the regular girl. I wonder how long it will be until she figures out that Bri is the LAST person she should take love advice from.
This weeks’ show looks interesting. We actually get to see the venom that spews from Sarah’s mouth in addition to hearing it. Someone should throw her down a flight of stairs. Yay!
andy, nice holding down of fort. i will elaborate slightly.
agreed on most counts. will falling for janelle? you can have sex in four minutes. you can cheat in four minutes. you can even break up in oh, about four minutes. but you cannot fall for someone in four minutes. i'm not good at math, but if it takes you two episodes to fall for someone and one to cheat, isn't that some sort of negative inverse ratio?
the roommates need to calm the fuck down about dave being drunk "on the job". "i dont want people to think all we do is drink and party"-kim. yeah, cause up until this point kim, i thought you guys were sitting around reading shakespeare and strictly working the 9 to 5. you had a roommate in rehab before you can say amywinehouse is a crazy whore. the jig is up. it's the de facto reason we watch you.
i'll hand it to dave that he was slightly above par w/the comedy, but i think the only thing more awkward than his improv performance was his sob story apology to the director backstage. you disrespected yourself? dude, you did that the second you decided to buy a truckload of glitter t-shirts.
i also think we've hit a new low when ex cast member upon ex cast member makes cameos by the
jaeger bottle. i had completely forgotten about real world paris. apparently so did everyone else, cause they are riding the drunktails of hollywood. not only that, but we actually have discussions about which fresh meat
star we'd rather hang out with. hello, f list. you have officially arrived.
andy, you read my mind about sarah. when is she NOT trying to sleep? what a waste of a cast member. i hope they put her on the gauntlet just so i can see CT break her face apart.
new cast members: i mean....will's about to hook up with his body double, is there anything really exciting about this scenario? i'm more interested to see nick push sarah a sheet to the wind.
p.s janelle is about 5 lbs in a 4 lb bag. i'll say it.
I hope we get a post about last night's show. It was pretty good I thought.
i think geoff has forsaken mtvreality for 32ft. it's a mess over here. complete anarchy. geoffs head will be on a silver plate faster than you can say i wore out that new coldplay single. i'm just going to continue with the riot. ra-ra.
last night's episode solidified my hate for sarah. it was like a collage of why she is terrible. aka, my homecoming. i love how she, being the only one with any sort of "journalism" experience, was a disaster. even kim, who can barely put a sentence together, got better reviews. don't quit your day job, honey. what even is your day job? napping? seeing her get sloptastic drunk, whining to her loser boyfriend if she was pretty was like christmas for me. thank you, santa.
first of all, i saw her take MAYBE three shots of tequila and that was at dinner. that.is.weak. aren't girls who mentally exists along the bible belt supposed to be able to drink like danny bonaduce? i thought that was an under-the-table fact. au contrair, mon frere. for sarah, drunk = being burped like a baby on the sidewalk followed a dose of frigid bitch. nothing new. i would love to challenge her and wet blanket to a tequila face-off. i'd make it rain petrone. i also love how no one even really gave her shit for her borderline racist comment mid-puking. nick went up in my book when he said that all she could come up with in terms of a basketball player was a former Sun. you might wanna do a little more research bob woodward, there have been more players since 1993.
the episode took a weird turn with the death. sad, definitely, but i don't know how comfortable i am with the segway of tequila and charles barkley to cancer and confessional crying. i should be used to it from joey, but that added a ridiculous element with which i became used to.
the next episode looks decent. foursome? cheating? you can't teach real world new tricks.
p.s the fact that sarah was even pissed in the first place at nick taking a picture of her wasted was in and of itself nonsensical. you are throwing up in front of millions of television viewers and still no one cares. i don't think a picture matters anymore. it'd be like paris hilton snapping at the paparazzi. you were already in a sex tape. there's no where but up sister.
the blog became an abusive relationship again. am i being punked? where's ashton?
Maybe you should start your own blog Phoebe. I'll read it!
"this place is so nice, you just wanna do it in the hallway"- David, redeeming himself with one liners since 1982
i'm canceling my life's plans to watch the Island.
It looks like Dave is on it, maybe he can get smoked in the face again. Once can only hope.
Phoebe, if someone sucker punched me and I went down like a bitch would you jump in for me like Bri did for Dave?
yes, and in heels, no less.
i think someone might want to sucker punch geoff for not putting rw hollywood to bed.
i'm going to put it to bed. oh yes. just wait.
I hope this isn't like my junior prom, aka one big tease...
me too, on so many levels.
Poor Phoebe, I'm sure you were a fantastic prom date!
Did anyone watch the reunion special? You know, for a show that had so much promise, it sure ended with a whimper, so much so that they had to bring on JANELLE to spice it up, otherwise it would have been too much of a love-fest. They should have NEVER let Joey & Greg go. They should have spiked Joey’s water with vodka and his protein shakes with coke and left him in the house to rage and destroy.
The only fun news that came out of that show was that Sarah is now engaged. I guess her boyfriend got tired of seeing black guys and porn producers trying to nail her. I wonder what he thought was worse. Hmmmm....
i was a fantastic prom date. i gave it up no questions asked.
the reunion was a sleeper until janelle. best line belongs to her: "i know, i was on the show before"
viva ex cast members.
no sleep till the island.
You had better blog about The Island, Phoebe. If you don't I will be pissed.
Same goes for you Geoff.
hold on to your hat andy, cara and i are taking over.
Please tell me that you are gonna write about The Island! If you do I'll make cute little hearts like this: <3
not even just the island. the hills season 4 kicking off aug 18th, the island. who knows, maybe even real world red hook. just call us santa.
That sounds great Phoebe. I am very much looking forward to the new content.
How long will it be before Lauren demands Lo perform human sacrifice to prove her loyalty? Because anything less than that is a "betrayal" in LC's eyes.
I like The Real World Mtv show.This show is about 7 people who lives together and they never meet each other.i love the role of every character of this show.everyone has done nice job.if you have missed any episode of this show and wanna to watch them then just click at link to download The Real World Mtv episodes
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