The big night has arrived. It's really only been a summer without our dysfunctional darlings on The Hills, but that's one summer too long without MTV's golden child. I am eagerly anticipating some hardcore drama. Getbackinthenews and I watched a good chunk of marathon moments over one pinot grigio bottle too many and by the end of our viewing session, we had gotten buzzed, loud and vulgar. In all the excitement, I decided the 4th season has a lot to live up to. Without bad boys like Jwahl and climatic moments such as Heidi and L.C's sex tape showdown, it is an uphill battle. Yes, the cast has arguably been enriched by the addition of Spencer's sister Stephanie (who I realized during the marathon talks like she is trying to undress you) and the ever poetic Justin Bobby. There have not been as many actual catfights and tears, however, since the 2nd season. Audrina and L.C have tension and Lo's involved, but there's no "I want to forgive you but I want to forget you" or "Well my answer is, get out of my car". I need me some drama, people. I am not watching this show for the desert and palm tree scenary. I am watching because L.A looks like the 8th circle of hell and Spencer and Heidi have been paged for their reservation for two. Spencer has been on record to say that even if L.C leaves the show, he and Heidi will continue on. I believe he sputtered something about "Season 10". Ohgodohgod. One thing is for certain MTV, let's go big or go let's go home this season because if we are left with a Heidi/Spencer narration, that might crash and burn faster than death by silicon for his sweet fiance.
L.C and Whitney are discussing the basic tension between Audrina and Lo off cue cards from the producers. LC. immeadiately changes gears to her new date, Doug and explains how she randomly reconnected with her high school one night stand/prom date. Whit must be on some major uppers cause she is more excited than humanly possible. "Small world!!!!", she exclaims. Yeah, I'm sure there wasn't an open casting call for a "non-ugly One Tree Hill extra".... In other news, L.C hasn't been on a date since Brody. I immediately wonder how many randoms she has slept with or if she isnt indeed having a dry spell that would make the Sahara look frosty. I'm afraid that this might be a boring season premiere already...I'm actually amped for the theme song. Wow, what's wrong with me? Puts hand to forehead.
Getbackinthenews, I was singing it with you vicariously so we're gonna continue with your trademark (brillant) opening
I'm going to break this down into the four stages of Non-REM sleep.
Another Montag zzzzzzzz: So Heidi has a sister, Holly. Uncle Frank, is this a joke? What's with the aliteration of siblings names? Stephanie/Spencer. Heidi/Holly. No utilization of the baby book in this town. Spencer could not be more nasty to Holly if he tried. I wonder, however, if this is even real/fake/fake/real. When Spencer gets upset, he has about all the emotion that can fit into a thimble. Maybe instead of playing video games or growing his rebel peach fuzz, he should take some joint acting lessons with Heidi. You know, your basic facial expressions corresponding to your base feelings would even take it up a peg. Regardless, this story line is about as riveting as You've Got Mail. Heidi and Holly don't even seem like real sisters. Jerry Springer, can we get a blood test? In their entire segment, I saw Spencer sleep, HeidHoll get tramp, I mean, L.A makeovers and Holly explain that she has "nothing going on in Colorado". DO THESE PEOPLE DO ANYTHING? This is the stuff I'm left caring about when I'm hungry for drama.
DOOGIE (yawn): Could this be less enthralling? I think their date consisted of three words. Jason Wahler was an encyclopedia compared to this dude. Me hopes there's at least a Brody esque booty call come on. "Can we do this again soon?" Ehhh, not gonna cut it Doogie. I wanna throw some dinner knives and I miss Jason.
Audrina's Birthday (snore): The awkward party day has arrived. Dougie comes with Frankie. Brody is misteriously absent. I'm dejected that the producers told him to sit this one out. THROW ME A BONE HERE JEEEEEEEEEEEEESUS. Lo applied her neutrogena bitch face this afternoon and tells Audrina they'll "make do with the company that's here". The crowd does look like a Jonas Brothers concert and Lo declares she isnt friends with anyone in attendence. Didn't Lo make out with Frankie multiple times in the past few years? I declare it a draw until Lo makes a stink and refuses to come out of her room. Dude, I used to like you. You used to be the voice of reason on Laguna if and only if because you called other people out for being dumb and made it look easy. You.are.now.plummeting because you are not being evil enough to be entertaining yet just boring enough to make me watch a bit of Men's gymnastics. To make matters worse, there is nothing else going on at this dull as division BBQ. L.C is ignoring Doogie, but I would have thrown him into a brush fire by now. JustinBobby is not even getting airtime. Now, i'm starving.
The preview of the season definitely gave me a hint of the anty being upped a little. Stephanie backstaps L.C and I see Doogie and Brody becoming a little Batman/Robin duo of trouble. It's not quite at the level of Seasons Previews past, but I won't quit you just yet, Hills. However, tonight, I am well-rested from passing out while watching you and yet so faminished for an ounce of entertainment that I will proceed to watch the trailer for Busted. Meanwhile, YOU will remain in the doghouse until you give me something to write about. REAL TALK. GOODNIGHT.
2 comments:
Here are a few of my thoughts:
The tagline for this show was “things get worse before they get better.” Lauren and her clichés!
Lauren preparing for her date was yet another awkward moment of repressed lesbianism with Lo.
Speaking of Lauren’s date, this guy is ridiculous. Like a walking Ken doll with just about as much personality. He’s a real life mimbo. I’d love to see him and JustinBobby in a spelling bee. I know how sometimes they have the guest stars pretend that they don’t know who the cast is but in this guy’s case, I really do think that he had no idea who Audrina was when Lauren told him about the birthday party.
Cue Audrina’s party and Audrina in yet another bikini top, as she has been all summer. And yet I never get tired of it. I also never get tired of Lo being a real bitch anytime it’s not just her and Lauren. That’s real love people. Then we finally get our first appearance of the main star, JustinBobby, rocking a sweet leather coat. Because he’s in a motorcycle gang. Obviously. And could Audrina get a weirder looking group of friends? Conspicuous by his absence is Brody.
Spencer and Heidi are having their own issues of course. I think Spencer is just about done with this charade and is one step away from openly admitting that they are only together to be famous or something. Heidi’s sister Holly is in town for a visit. Heidi and Holly? Really? It’s like their parents were actively hoping they would end up in Playboy. Or at the very least they would be trampy stewardesses.
Back to Lauren’s house and the aftermath of Audrina’s party, we finally get the big confrontation between Lo and Audrina. The way Lo started the conversation was fantastic, “yeah…the party was funanywayweneedtotalk.” She’s the female Spencer, only without the flesh colored beard. I’d be lying if I didn’t say her bitchiness was a turn-on. When Audrina said that she went by “vibes and tension and energy people put out” I knew that she and JustinBobby were destined for each other. If only she would have told Lo that she didn’t want to kick rocks anymore.
So this season looks like it will be pretty great and a real Sisterpalooza. We already had Spencer’s sister and now we have Heidi’s sister. It looks like Audrina’s sister is going to guest star as well. You know the writers will have run out of ideas if we ever see Lo’s sister, it will be like when Leonardo DiCaprio showed up out of nowhere on Growing Pains.
Oh, and your write up was fantaistic as usual Phoebe.
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