Real Talk: I'm Going to Write You A Letter

This might be a little weird. The juxtaposition of the DNC and The Hills was too much for my little brain and I couldn't formulate thought. I'm not even sure I can now. Although last night's episode wasn't quite the sleeper that was the premiere, I was still left wanting more. Maybe my expectations are just too high because I'm anxiously waiting for someone to go to jail or something. I've decided to write personal letters to select members of the cast, hoping something will change.

Dear Lo,

you've taken a page from laguna bitch and i think this is a good look for you. why stop at "everyone that matters is getting along" and take that frosty attitude for a real spin. let's see what else you can do. i'm replacing your aa batteries. dance, monkey, dance.

ps. i don't care if it costs more than brody's condo, that silver tin-foil you wrapped around your body and paraded around in as a dress resembled something i ordered at chipotle. see, this episode has me talking about clothes.

Dear Audrina,

your blank stares that you hold for ten counts so MTV can give us the chance to hear the latest angsty single are getting old. either move out and make a statement, make some babies with justinbobby, or grab lo by her hair and toss her above your head like a lasso. something so it's not in my brain who sang what.

Dear Spencer,

wow. you actually compared L.C and your feud to iran and israel. that caught me off guard because up until this point, i wasn't sure you knew where you were on the world map. i don't think your sister understood it and if you ever actually repeated that to your fiancee, you'd probably have to start with how the universe began, but.....hmmm. i don't know if it QUITE holds up because you and L.C were never really alliances at any point, but if you are implying that you now don't recognize her as a country, i'll give it to you. i will.

p.s your freakouts with your sister are starting to get weird. either you have a thing for her or she's not really your sister, but you care entirely way too much, which actually shouldn't surprise me because you are a circus sized freakshow.

p.p.s how much is don antonios paying you? just curious.

Dear Heidi,

smile, nod and stare off into space longer so we can have a better good look at your facial reconstructive surgery.... it's close to midnight, and something evil's lurking in the dark/under the mooooonlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart/you try to screeeeeam but terror takes the sound before you make it/you start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes/you're paralyzeeeeeed

p.s cause this is thrilleeeeeeeeeeeer, thriller night

Dear Doug,

......why am i writing you again?............wow this was a waste of a stamp. um, so..... you must be as good as crack in bed because otherwise, i don't know what to say. you bring about as much to the table as the irish potato famine.

Dear Brody/Whitney,

Why haven't you two hooked up?

Dear L.C,

i have nothing to say to you really, which must mean you've been normal. this is not good. I realize you are the narrator, but you must get hurt otherwise we cannot relate. we will change the channel and the olympics are over, damnit.

Dear Stephanie,

you are kind of a rich man's Brooke Hogan. you kind of freak me out. i won't lie to you. i also don't understand how you and L.C are still in the same class. HOW LONG IS THE HISTORY OF PODKA DOTS? it has now spanned about two seasons. bradismyhomeboy, you are gonna finish school faster than these ladies.

Dear Jason,

i just can't quit you. how much will it take to get you back on my television.

p.s whiskey?

Dear Joey,

i'll give you all the money in my savings account and then some if you bring some zinfindel over to the girl's casa and see what happens. oops, wrong show. oops, don't care.

p.s whiskey?

Dear getbackinthenews,

i love you. that's probably the realest statement in here.

sincerely all,

RealesTalk.