because L.A is the devil's cafeteria

i'm actually not waiting three days to write this up. you know what that means.

this episode was good. this episode was holy-hell-this-is-uncomfortable-i-can't-keep-the-awkwardness-and-lies-straight-good. it was are-they-actually-airing-this-i'm looking down and no one is even around and i'm alone yet severely uncomfortable-good. i'm glad to see that post-halftime, mtv got the ball back. can we hang onto it long enough to score? we know stephanie can, but if we can't, can we please have a nasty tackle in the season finale? ok, lots of ground to cover.

isn't l.c's trainer the one whitney went on a date with? and we all know dinner in l.a means sex and dvd night means golden shower. now they're all just sitting around shooting the shit? oh right, l.a is the devil's cafeteria. silly me.

trainer: you don't go out with your girl's ex unless you get the stamp of approval...coming from a guy's point of view. translation...now that we're all here, can i collect that stamp from ya now whitney so i can see what lauren's doing later?

let stephanie's web of lies begin and she looks like wilbur to boot.

2= number of seconds stephanie and l.c talk about erroneous crap before the duggie bomb is dropped. im glad to see mtv is not wasting too many precious minutes. i have a schedule to keep.

stephanie says she deleted doug out of her phone. highly unlikely considering she wastes no time in asking l.c if she is going to duggie's party. l.c, being the marie curie of the cast, asks how she knows about the party if they aren't talking. good question katie couric. i am floored by lack of effort stephanie takes in lying. it really is astounding.

holly gives heidi the world's worst birthday present and actually seems sincere in thinking it was a sweet idea: having mom show up when she doesn't know spencer and heidi are living together. wow, nice work holly. no, i mean it. thank you for playing. we now have the first of multiple hot-as-fire awkward moments when spencer sits there while mom tells heidi she basically disapproves. then declares she wants to have lunch mano y mano with him. is this a punked/hills crossover?

sidenote: mom i'd be more concerned that your daughter has reconstructed her body and face.

wait for it, wait for it. who is having dinner? our new favorite couple cheetogirl and doug. hmmmm how in the world do you arrange dinner when you deleted someone from your phone? more importantly, they are totally having a golden shower because duggie just suggested dvd night. da vinci, we have broken your code.

doug, you my amigo, are pathetic. check out this text, come watch a movie last night. is that the best you can do? i have gotten juicer texts on my lunch break. also, fifty bucks said you did watch that movie late night. don't lie to me boy. it's not my fault she over tans. you did not just say "hit me up over bbm". i'm going to pretend i don't know what i think that means. blackberrymobile. i dont know that. you are disgusting.

brody: "if she cries she cries" oh snap. its a player duel at high noon.

now we get to the part of the episode that made me unable to look directly at the t.v. this scene should had a warning label. HA for highly awkward. there is a god.

"i don't get uncomfortable my dear"-spencerlector to heidi's mom. um. i am now watching fear 2 and spencer is about to cut up heidi's dog and leave it for her mom on the dinner table. nicole, get me a coke.

i am shaking my head that the girls are actually getting mad about getting wet at a pool party...... but these are the same girls that hook up with doug. i also forgive it because it gives whitney the only quotable line ever about dug. "i don't even know you...and i don't want to". amen, sister. someone. has. standards.

it's fight night with the showdown between brody and steph. goldmine. i saw the texts stephanie. I SAW THE TEXTS. i know that dvd= golden shower. i know he peed on you. you liked it.

we interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to watch heidi making her own mom cry on national television. i do not understand how spencer hasn't gotten the crap beaten out of him yet. someone hit refill on the adderoll prescription a little too many times with that kid. can someone please walk upright and stand up to that sloth posing as a human?

we now come to the hands down best thing i have ever seen in a hills episode since jason graced our small screens. doug with the vocabulary of sarah palin attempting to defend himself yet caught between a rock and a hard place trying to make all of the below true.

1. i did not hook up with stephanie she is disgusting i want nothing to do with her

2. i did hook up with stephanie i can do whatever i want i did nothing wrong

3. i want to be friends with her

4. she is a lost little puppy

5. i did not go in public with stephanie

6. we had dinner, cant i have dinner with a friend/person i peed on?

7. what? what are we talking about? where am i? DUDES.

8. dude.

9. i heart golden showers.

you are my ex fling--that is my new favorite phrase. doug, i am taking your phrase and leaving you for the wolves

also, did it creep anyone else out that stephanie is hiding in dougs room? god, the comparisons to the movie fear are blinding at this point.

doug, you are so dumb its not even comical. its painful. there, there. shhhhh.

stephanie, the jig is up. stop lying. not only did frankie and brody throw you under the bus, doug then left you there with keanu reeves and some explosives. if i were you, i would have walked out and ripped doug's nuts off like a paper towel. also, this is filmed. your lies will be exposed in 12-16 weeks. aka now. real talk.

this episode was truly incredible.