Better Late Than Never

my apologies: i couldn't get it together last night to watch the episode in its entirety so i watched online and here are some thoughts/things i learned.

1. when you watch online, it is sponsored by something. the latest episode is personally brought to me by gossip girls and the new 90210. wow. that is a mouthful. i feel like i just downed a strawberry lemonade at ruby tuesdays. you know, the kind that gives you diabetes in one sip because there are actual grains of sugar floating at the top of the glass. i mean i also feel sort of molested by teen soaps without even having my t.v on. weird.

2. when the cast gets at all get off track (i.e talking about whitney's job YAWN), i think the producers must hold up flashcards of an immediate decrease in salary because they change topics faster than hurricane gustav blew through our us of a. "yeah i really should pack all black for new yor----ooooh, so how are things with dooouuuug?"

3. l.c is over doug. when was she under doug? why is doogie still even in the picture? i mentally counted him out weeks ago. lose the zero and bone a hero, chica.

4. this episode is called 'better off as friends'. i swear this is a title they have used before so i am making up my own sub-title: 'better off under brody'

5. stephanie tells us spencer disowned her as a sister. i mean, honey. throw yourself a freaking party because he is a grade A freakaholic and i think he might want to get biblical with you because you are related/unrelated. i still cannot tell.

6. whitney's boss asks her why it took her so long to get to work. whitney apparently came STRAIGHT from her flight. riiiiight, cause i always look like a neutrogena ad when i get off the red eye. whitney you know you stopped to freshen up otherwise, i don't like you.

7. kelly cutrone is one horny woman. she might as well have been in a meat locker while doing the model audition. i think she only passed alex off to whitney because her mounting him at people's revolution probably would have been frowned upon by mtv. that chick was foaming at the mouth.

8. i thought The Hills was the first time i'd seen spencer onscreen. but no, no, no. he previously starred in silence of the lambs. imdb has it wrong. it's actually not anthony hopkins. 'cause that dinner scene with heidi; admonishing her for missing his own sister and then looking at his watch while licking his chops and telling her its time to get in bed and cuddle was straight out of a serial killer flick. heidi looks like a little doe eyed deer about to get eaten alive.

9. i think brody gets paid to do these "dinners". or else he's getting a hand job under the table. also, CAN YOU GIVE US SOME ACTUAL DIRT ON STEPHANIE. "i could tell you things where you'd be tripping out"... if she's so bad, throw us some legit stories over here. we only got like 17 mins sans commercials. 10 if i take away the minutes i spent on the internet during whitney's part.

10. speaking of which, getbackinthenews said it best about any and all whitney segments: please don't give the girl her own spinoff. i took a 90210 quiz duing this.

11. possibly the dumbest line of the season, if not the show thus far: stephanie saying that her pet "used to be a hamster and now it's a guinea pig". wow, producers/editors/people behind curtain you really sold her down the river on that line alone. those are two different animals babygirl. i would have paid them off to take out that clip. just saying. its worth the 10 grand you make.

12. "i've waited too long to pick the wrong guy"-L.C. actually, you've picked the wrong guy like over and over but who's counting.

13. SPENCER AND STEPHANIE ROUND 82. this isn't getting any newer.

14. doug said more words in the "breakup" scene than the past couple episodes combined. he was still boring, though, which is the saddest part. he sounded desperate but i think he was pleading more to stay on the show than stay with L.C. hop on stephanie, let the back-stabbing begin. while you do that, i'm going to start operation bring jason back.

and just like that, another one hits the books.

next week: vegas ushers in jail (YESSSSS!!!), stephanie in tears and more Audrina/Lo/ LC angst. finally, let's get back on track because i'm beginning to feel like kanye: you should be honored by my lateness/that i'd even show up to this fake s*it

BRING IT next week hills. im warning you.