Double Whammy: The Boys Are Back in Town

We're back with a double serving of The Hills and since it starts in Vegas, I'm going to crunch these bad boys together and add a numerical scoring system that probably won't make much sense, but let's roll the dice and try anyway.

Episode 1: Boys Make Girls Cry (i'll give them that one, +2 for title)

flying to vegas on doug's jet even though she broke up with him

+10 for L.C for maneuvering that one, -30 for doug (dude, that much fuel is MORALLY INCORRECT RIGHT NOW and your personality or lack thereof docks you another -10)

+25 for brodys flying dagger of an backhanded toast: "having little steph is almost like having spencer here". dude, everyone can see brooke hogan ain't little and spencer is about as likable as rudy giuliani. nice one.

-10 for spencer solely because i have a physical reaction to him now. the polar opposite of the kind of physical reaction i have to christian bale (+400)

+15 to doug (i can't believe i'm doing this, but he had a good line) for saying "anyone up for shots? lo will take as shot"). lo does not look like she has a big tolerance, so basically he just called you easy. "lo"-blow though so -5.

-18 to stephanie for clear overuse of self-tanner. oh god it just got progressively worse in the same scene. -28

+5 to justinbobby for appearing to begin to scrub himself

-5 nevermind.

-10 for the confusion about frankie's age. is he 21 or 27? ....either is creepy.

-50 for brody at dinner scene. calling an ex-user crazy and psychotic in public is probably not the way to go. however i will reward brody +75 for making this show interesting again.

-40 for doug: "you making girls cry now?" he asks brody. well, in all fairness bro, its better than making them fall asleep...

-10 for L.C's words of wisdom: "don't ever cry over someone that wouldn't cry over you". hmmmm...i can't imagine brody or jason getting waterworks like you did over them and i believe i have some archived clips that would back me up on this

-35 for overall club scene. it was much more enjoyable when lo was eating frankie's face in the foreground like in season's past.

+35 for justinbobby. when its a "bad night for the girls", you my friend are getting laid eight ways to tuesday.

+40 for heidi: "stay down there spencer, don't come in" now you're starting to treat him like you should. two years late but, good work.

-100 for spencer: "she erased three of my shows on the tivo". i know getbackinthenews will probably actually defend spencer on this one re: messing with someone's tivo, but could he be any more of a sloth? his resume is lighter than sarah palin. also, in the time you spent driving to heidi's work to complain, you probably could have watched the repeat of the girls next store you missed on e!

+100 for heidi's comeback: just get out of the house already, maybe you shouldn't be there so much. yesssssssss. suddenly heidi is not making my blood boil....this is concerning in and of itself, i'm docking myself about -50 for thinking any pro-heidi thoughts.

+250: not for brody and doug being in jail, but for this and this only: doug got punched.

slap on another +20 if you say it again and it makes you giddy inside

to be continued....

ALRIGHT. we're back. i'm tired of numbers. i'm not good at math, which is convenient because we're back in L.A and anything intellectually stimulating shant be needed here. i am also significantly dumber from 22 minutes in vegas.

Episode 2: Something Has to Change (yes, i agree, this show needs to get and stay better)

let's keep this up folks

if doug is in jail and got punched, consider you girls lucky. no bail bonds people should be involved. only bartenders cause that calls for a celebration. its also scary that between 3 iphones/blackberrys, millions of dollars between you and a camera crew, you haven't found them yet...

the recon of their fight was about as riveting as the RNC. i would kill a man to see doug get punched. wheres that golden footage?

the best conversation to date: "still looking for jobs and stuff...."-holly

"you can do that from the couch?"-spencer

"yeah"-holly

wow, looks like the student has become the teacher. i'm starting to think spencer went for the wrong montag. heidi has ambition (boob job) and motivation (bolthouse) and holly likes to sleep, tivo and also considers the living room her office. they should just build a treehouse and sloth around all day together. too bad extenstions still don't make holly hot. LA is so cruel.

ok. people's revolution is boring. why hasn't this been phased out? i don't wanna hear about jeans. i want JUICE.

justinbobby: ulcery feeling? sticky situation? put it in a haiku you burnout.

i missed what spencer was saying because i was mid-rage blackout just looking at him.

first sign of facebook i've seen on the show when lo is using it in scene with L.C. i'm thinking i would pay cold hard cash to get into justinbobby's facebook account.

i think i'd rather sleep naked in a cave full of bats and mice than spend 2 minutes inside Area.

lady gaga: you got about .00002 secs of airtime before they overlapped death cab ontop of you. not a good sign. 'the ice is getting thinner' has already been used in an over-emo-ruined- the -song- for -me- scene on Gossip Girl.

.....and it all leads up to the infamous tearfest between L.C and Audrina. i am wondering if this is the scene that was rumored to have had the producers in tears. see, here is the thing: my cry threshold is lower than low. i have gotten choked up at episodes of E.R. i do not even like E.R. this did not get me. i was instead wondering why L.C does not wear waterproof mascara and if audrina was ever kept back a grade. however, they are gonna try to be friends again and put the past in the past. so all is right with the hills world.

RECAP: i'm glad the hills stepped it up a notch in this sunday-monday back to back showing. it has previously been on life support and now can breath on it's own till next week. my concern lies in the previews. the upcoming scenes are manipulated so that usually we see the absolute best of what's to come and albeit, its nothing like what actually goes down, but puts its hooks in you regardless so you at least show up. if these are the BEST of next weeks scenes, i'm not pleased. a couple shots of stephanie looking like a cheeto and holly canoodling with L.C are not the ticket. please tell me someone fell asleep in the editing room.

but for now, we'll enjoy this little bounce.