THE ISLAND: Premiere

What is the island?
Based on the vague, somewhat nude, screaming ads, it's difficult to tell. Maybe we can find out tonight.


Catching up with the cast

KerryAnn, or whoever she is, is breaking out like she never has in her life. Good. You deserve it. You're kind of awful.

Dave is convinced that everyone is underestimating him. Well, Dave. Remember your season? Yea that Joey guy kinda stole the "crazy as shit" title right from under you. sorry, brah.

RACHEL?! rachelbutnotfatiraqrachel? Original Lez Rachel? It's been like... years since we've seen you. Also, you can exist without having Veronica glued to your ass? You CLAIM to like being totally alone.

Tonya. You live in small town NEBRASKA? They let you in? I guess you do sort of look like children of the corn. uhhhhh... again remember how you PROMISED several years ago on "true life: i am at reality 'star'" to never do another challenge. Some promises really have no business being broken. I am kind of furious with you. Although you claim to have your "act together"

Dan. Who is "Dan"? Ashli? try again.

Dunbar... ate a guy? And took all his strength? He is HUMONGOUS!

Cohutta! um, you can do... sports? and stuff?

Robin. So. Many. Challenges. Such. Big. Boobs. Coyote. Ugly.

Derrick is a Daddy? Does he shake the baby? by its head? everyday? and it's not even illegitimate!

C.O.L.I.E. remember how bad you looked with "curly" hair on your season? Yea, ok well this is not fair and I don't think it is okay for you to have to look like this in my face, across my flat screen, for weeks. PLEASE.

Johanna is single? I thought that like Wes was marrying her. And She wants to make out with KENNY? UGH. gross. ugh. gross. I am actually throwing up.

Remember how Abe is crazy? Considering this challenge is pretty much about killing everyone else around you, he might just win this bad boy.

HEYYYY TJ LAVIN!!!!!!!!
seriously bring me back Johnny Moseley. For the love of God.

Let's get down to it
- There are no teams
- There are no challenges (?!?!)
- You will live on a beach, stranded, for the whole season
- oh yea and THAT island, there's $300,000 of treasure
- The Army will be dropping supplies. Yea, the Army. Shouldn't they be in Iraq?

so... the implicit rule here is that there ARE no rules

The Island has:
- no electricity
- a scare amount of water
- beautiful interior design
- rice
- copious amounts of alcohol
- absurd hook ups on the first night

You Do the Math
So, 8 of you can get on the island...but there are like 40 of you there. have fun with that guys. Oh and also, start swimming.

Let's make some bets:
Winners:
Ev, Dunbar, maybe Kenny which will really piss me off, Abe

First to break:
Kelly Ann, Colie, Johanna, Cohutta, Dave, Tonya

We are officially 9 minutes in an Tonya is already losing it. ithinkiloveyoumtv. watching that b cry is like one of my favorite pasttimes. ever.

"I just don't do that"
What's that, Jenn? You don't like girls and you don't make out with them, so then, uh, what are you doing with your tongue and Rachel's mouth?

Ryan and Kelly Ann not a bad combo, as long as he promises to drown her while feeling her up in the ocean.

Kenny v. Tonya
PLEASE destroy each other. That would be like the greatest gift anyone has ever given man kind. as far as reality tv is concerned. and also please make sure the camera guys can get it on tape. to review in slow mo repeatedly.


So are we gonna start this game or what?
Start by: building a boat
Then: get the stuff that Army dropped for you

uh. anyone else beyond confused? This is starting to read like an Army recruitment video...

In the Boxes:
- Meat
- Fish
- Toilet Paper
- Some boat stuff

Ev: "I can't stand the sound of Johnny Banana's voice. I would love to gut him like a fish. I would demolish his little body". Please, Ev. Do these things you speak so poetically about. Do them for me. Please. oh god, please.

Kenny and Johanna actually just made me gag. I bet Wes is crying into his giant pillow watching this air. Ha ha ha ha ha.


Treasure Chest needs 4 people and 4 keys. I think. TJ Lavin is HORRIBLE at explaining things, as we have learned from the last billion years of challenges. Something about a public vote, something about begging your way back in when you lose a gauntlet like 1:1 face off. And also you can steal from your friends. I think this means:

to get a key you must:
- win a face/off (or)
- win an elimination begging match (or)
- steal from your fallen comrades

How are we only 30 minutes in? This is ridiculous.

Face/Off
this is incredibly confusing. You can like... battle anyone in any combo you want. WTF. First face/off: Abe/Kenny/Tonya, although it was a close call between KellyAnn and Ashli

The Face/Off: Leaning Tower
- 3 poles in the water with holes
- climb the poles to ring the bell and get your key
- the dowels for to climb are underwater like 50 feet away
- also if you lose you can beg to stay and maybe get the second key
- don't forget to put on your snorkel mask
And GO!

Abe wins. Tonya is a mess. Kenny is pissed.

This process of elimination is ridic. Beg to stay. literally beg.
BYE TONYA. BYYYYYYEEEEEEEE. sort of wished they kept her stupid ass longer, but honestly these new kids are twice as crazy. Back to the farm, baby.


Kenny: "of course I am running the show. In the olden days they used to take the most beautiful man in the village and make him king".
Kenny i want to kill you. I hope Johanna gives you every STD known to man.

This Season: All hell breaks loose.