The ISLAND

Where we left off:
Kenny is a douche and Tonya got voted home. Johanna is a slut and Dunbar eats people.
Keys in hand: Kenny and Abe

so many questions:
Can someone PLEASE, after years of me asking, explain how Paula, who we all know is mentally unstable and has a debilitating eating disorder, is allowed on these challenges. I mean, she may have a HUGE upper hand on the Island since she uh doesn't you know, eat.

where's the beef?
Even if all you have is rice and coconuts, you still need to do the dishes, guys. In classic Real World fashion, we avoid cleaning up. I guess since you have to wash in the river, that it's somewhat more acceptable than in your multimillion dollar mansions. but still. you guys are gross.

say what?
"i would never take one of my friend's food and ate it" -kellyanne in defense of herself v johnny bananas. suddenly it totally makes sense why she's a perfect match for cohutta. here's the thing about johnny bananas. he doesn't matter. as a person. just ignore him. i do. every challenge. the end.

hulk smash
Derrick: "a typical dan night is like turning on the tv and watching someone be totally and utterly awesome" (cut to scenes of dan smashing everything in site and passing out face first on the beach). I mean when Dave and Derrick start judging you... you got a problem there buddy. dan claims to be "resourceful" and "not a liability". not sure i am convinced, dan.

WHY ARE THESE EPISODES AN HOUR I THINK I AM GETTING STUPID

OUCH
Abe: we were you know like setting crab traps because crabs are awesome and then this beautiful fruit fell out of the sky in front of me. so we was like heyyyyyyyyy let's climb that tree and eat that beautiful fruit. and then ARRRRRGGGGGGGAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
(cut to Abe running screaming crying)
hahahhahah Abe has been attacked by killer wasps. you know, the ones that can sting repeatedly. this. looks. awful. ON HIS LIP. and his EAR. and EVERYWHERE. oh GOD.

Robin and Kenny both live at home with their parents? UGH. can you get a 105th trimester abortion? Johnny makes KellyAnn crazy, yes crazier than she is without her pills, and runs to the sanest person on the island-- Ev. Careful, Kellyanne. you might just fall in loooooooove.

DAN IS INCRED
Basically Dan is like me and Realest on a Saturday night. around 10pm.
Cursing rapidly? check.
Going totally hurricane? check
Getting restrained? check
all i see missing is rapidly texting leading to massive regret, and blogging your face off, but it's the island so the wireless is a bit dicey.

dude, we think you have a problem. a DRINKING problem.
It's not Dan's fault. We can all see how BORING it is there. When MTV gives you zero food, zero to do, and alcohol galore, people are gonna get ridic. Sad to see his intervention is by some chick no one has ever seen before in braids and a sweatband, but this is the realest talk Dan has ever had. He WILL take care of this problem... WHEN HE GETS HOME. and not a day sooner.

ARMY ARMY ARMY ARMY ARMY
HOORAY! Food and Boat! Hooray!
How much longer do you think it's gonna be til Colie has to start pulling her weight?
ooooooOOOOOOOOhhhhhhHHHHHHH a CELL PHONE!?!? with 10 minutes talk time. and that is all. I am seriously disappointed that no one lost limbs over the airtime. but. that's cool. I can wait til the laptop drop.

Well since Dan's intervention stuck, Dave has got to take over the title of biggest drunk asshole. and we are BOOTING. NICE! the island is pretty much exactly like summer 2005, yow those were some glory days. and DAVE IS PACKING TO GO HOME. But where is he rolling his suitcase? the taxi stand? I like how the Island gives some assholes a chance to be leaders. like Jenn. and braids girl. and Ev. TJ Lavin. gah. BYE DAVE!!!!!

MARIO LOPEZ YOU ARE LITERALLY EVERYWHERE

Nomination time.
In classic JohnnyBananas fashion, he gets real bossy and decides there should be three dudes in, and nominates himself. in goes Derrick, in goes Abe? wasp killed Abe? Who already has a key? Dear Abe, I hope you win and destroy Johnny and send him home because I am tired of his face. If Kenny was Johnny he would be crapping his pants right now.

FACE/OFF
gametime!!! RING WRESTLE
there is a circle. and some rings in it. everybody grabs it. and tried to snatch it away from each other. last man standing with hands on ring wins. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. best of luck to you, gentlemen.

Wow. Derrick and Johnny. Wow. Gah. Abe...might kill you. he's a hurricane of fists and elbows. Abe is out. Derrick v Johnny. Derrick. destroy him. please. hahhahaha Johnny you tattled and got out hahahhaha.

Quitting is for losers
Abe... why would you leave? by choice? you probably will win this thing. and also you have a "business"? for some reason i seriously doubt this. What's hilarious is that if Jenn and Kellyann's plot works, they can knock out both of them. at once. POWER. how these bitches reasoned through all of this, i don't know, but i am impressed.
This plan is working. very. well. except, Paula? what are you doing? Ryan gets it. Why don't YOU?! COLIE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! dammit! Abe gave his key to Dunbar? Were they making out away from the cameras? I am so confused.

"can you imagine tonight with johnnybananas gone? sometimes i dream about it"- kellyanne. I don't know about you guys but i am just waiting for the two of them to sex out their anger. just do it and get it over with i am starving.


NEXT WEEK: New alliances! Robin takes Johanna on. and frankly, Robin has an incredible amount of rage and also her arms look great. she might kill you, Jo (pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasefingerscrossed).