Opening Thoughts: I wrote back in 2006 that Paula Walnuts from Key West officially tipped the scale from"these people are funny-crazy" over to "these people are crazy-crazy." It was a subtle shift but it was undeniable. At some point, the Real World casting directors began appreciating the dramatic value of people with simmering emotional and mental illnesses - and not just PG-13 ones; bad, dark, unweighable, impossible to predict shit. It meant that one day Joey would come into our lives. It means that one day someone will die on this show. There have been a number of suspect casting decisions in the history of the franchise (Frankie San Diego, Brooke Denver, go way back to Ruthie Hawaii) but unequivocally, putting Joey in a Real World house is the greatest human rights violation in the history of reality television. And that includes kicking the hot Asian girl off the second episode of Temptation Island.
That being said, let's give some early season awards!
The "Can Someone Really Be A 'Former Alcoholic?'" Award: Goes to Joey for saying, "Dude, I used to be an alcoholic so that's why I'm trying not to drink." As far as I'm concerned, this is funny for two reasons: 1) it is impossible to be a "former alcoholic" and 2) David's response is that Joey can just "sip some champagne 'cause it's free" or "have a few drinks and we'll keep an eye on you." In SAT analogy form, David : Good Friend :: Hannibal Lecter : Doctor. Joey looks at Long Island Ice Teas like they're a tough math problem and the answer is somewhere at the bottom of the glass.
The "We've TOTALLY Given Up On The Job Thing" Award: Goes to the entire cast and crew. For the last 19 editions of the Real World, casts have at least feigned having a "job." They've run sailboat tours, helped out Bon Jovi's Arena Football team, and even "run" a tanning salon that ended up being destroyed in an act of God. Put another way, the history here is not one of success or diligence. But they always had to PRETEND to work. Not so anymore. This season they are taking "acting classes" at an improv institute. One way to read this is: you can't even trust these idiots to remember lines, so let's have them do the one kind of acting that requires no body of preparation. Alternative thesis: fuck, what else are they going to actually show up at?
The "It Was Your First Day, Greg!" Award: To Greg for blowing off the first improv show the cast was required to go to. Also, Best Supporting Actress in a Leading (and by leading, I mean, sheepish) Role goes to Greg's voice on the phone. Sounded like a kid getting sent to the principal as he was being yelled at for not showing up.
The "Well, I Heard Andy Dick Is Available" Award: Goes to Andy Dick for having nothing on his schedule. Allowing Andy Dick to be your "celebrity greeter" for the improv gig is a little like having your Association of Dental Hygienists conference in Hartford. Yeah, I mean, of course there was room at the convention center. Hartford is always available and so is Andy Dick. When he came on screen and the floating text appeared below his name saying "actor, writer, producer," I actually paused the show and asked, "how many of those are true?" It was decided that in the statement, "Andy Dick: actor, writer, producer" you are looking at somewhere between three and four outright lies depending on whether you think Andy Dick is his real name.
The Less "Pretty Woman" and more "Cathouse Diaries" Award: Goes to Brie. At season's outset, I wanted to believe the backstory of Brie having to be a stripper to pay for her dance career, studio time, etc. It seemed plausible. I mean, even Elizabeth Berkley had to take her clothes off to launch her career ... wait. But as we roll into the middle 50% of this season, it's becoming clear that Brie is a stripper because she likes stripping. She even strips in her free time. The fact that she is allowed out of the house with so few clothes on is only a testament to the increasingly lenient public indecency laws in the state of California. Can Brie go naked for an entire episode? Sure. I will only be shocked if she is NOT turning tricks out of the house parking lot by episode six.
The "Don't Throw Rocks At The Bee Hive" Award: Goes to Joey for putting together one of the scariest montage sequences in human history. Watching him predict his own death/suicide while crying to Brie and then the next morning doing his "work out" made me fearful and I was locked in my apartment in a relatively well-monitored section of New York City. Joey could be anywhere. Joey could read this, get angry, up-and-reach through the computer screen and choke me to death. It's like The Ring on steriods. What he did to the house punching bag registers somewhere between "crimes against an inanimate object" and "North Korean Prison Boxing." If I was living in the Hollywood house, I wouldn't even look at Joey. I wouldn't breathe around Joey. I wouldn't think thoughts around Joey. Does he make it through next week or is this altercation going happen earlier than we think?
The "House Relationships Go From Interesting To Boring In Two Seconds Flat" Award: Kim and David. So, I guess we wanted them to hook up. It was pretty rigged and Kim may or may not be a closeted "woman of questionable virtue." Watching her do her sweaty tribal dance at Tokio while David looked on in horror/interest made me think this girl shouldn't be the one judging Brie for being a stripper. Kim strikes me as one of those girls who refuses to admit that she's slept with upwards of 70 people. She looks nice enough, so no one suspects the questionable behavior that lies beneath. David couldn't care less and appears to have lost his conversational filter, as evidenced by his retort: "you love my penis."
The "How Much Did Tokio Pay To Have The Cast There Every Night?" Award: To the 50,000 dollars Tokio must have laid out for the right to have their name show-up once or twice an episode. Here's the question, was it a one-time payment to Bunim and Murray or was it an agreement that the cast would drink for free? Either way, giving this cast a free bar tab for four months (ahem, JOEY!) is the most serious fiscal under-estimation in the history of liquor licenses. Can't you picture the owner of Tokio being like, "sure, we'll hook them up with free drinks - it'll be great publicity ... And how bad could it be?" This bad. File for bankruptcy now. Send Joey an invoice by way of his boy Enabler David.
The "Great Disappearing Story-Arc" Award: To Sarah and Will. We spent two weeks raising the stakes/likelihood of Sarah cheating and then -poof- now all we can think about is Joey's drinking/depression/impending dark exchange that leads to his termination from the cast. I know the 13-episode format leads to some consolidation of narrative but the Sarah-Will subplot had real potential. Is Will backing off? Impossible. Is Sarah finding Jesus? Doubtful. Is this season about to crash-land or take off? Without question.
Hollywood: As far as I'm concerned, there are only three locations in LA: 1) The house, 2) The Improv Factory 3) Tokio Bar. Find a scene that hasn't happened one of these three places after the first 10-minutes of the first episode. It is, at the very least, surprising. Couldn't we have an amazing scene where the Real World cast stumbles drunkenly into some ritzy LA club and runs into a taping of The Hills? This would be one of those trippy "reality" moments that would be edited out of the show but would probably be one of the most post-modern moments in human history. It makes my head want to explode just thinking about it. I mean, Heidi and Brie in the same bar? LC and David? Spencer and Joey? It's the end of the fucking universe.
That being said, let's give some early season awards!
The "Can Someone Really Be A 'Former Alcoholic?'" Award: Goes to Joey for saying, "Dude, I used to be an alcoholic so that's why I'm trying not to drink." As far as I'm concerned, this is funny for two reasons: 1) it is impossible to be a "former alcoholic" and 2) David's response is that Joey can just "sip some champagne 'cause it's free" or "have a few drinks and we'll keep an eye on you." In SAT analogy form, David : Good Friend :: Hannibal Lecter : Doctor. Joey looks at Long Island Ice Teas like they're a tough math problem and the answer is somewhere at the bottom of the glass.
The "We've TOTALLY Given Up On The Job Thing" Award: Goes to the entire cast and crew. For the last 19 editions of the Real World, casts have at least feigned having a "job." They've run sailboat tours, helped out Bon Jovi's Arena Football team, and even "run" a tanning salon that ended up being destroyed in an act of God. Put another way, the history here is not one of success or diligence. But they always had to PRETEND to work. Not so anymore. This season they are taking "acting classes" at an improv institute. One way to read this is: you can't even trust these idiots to remember lines, so let's have them do the one kind of acting that requires no body of preparation. Alternative thesis: fuck, what else are they going to actually show up at?
The "It Was Your First Day, Greg!" Award: To Greg for blowing off the first improv show the cast was required to go to. Also, Best Supporting Actress in a Leading (and by leading, I mean, sheepish) Role goes to Greg's voice on the phone. Sounded like a kid getting sent to the principal as he was being yelled at for not showing up.
The "Well, I Heard Andy Dick Is Available" Award: Goes to Andy Dick for having nothing on his schedule. Allowing Andy Dick to be your "celebrity greeter" for the improv gig is a little like having your Association of Dental Hygienists conference in Hartford. Yeah, I mean, of course there was room at the convention center. Hartford is always available and so is Andy Dick. When he came on screen and the floating text appeared below his name saying "actor, writer, producer," I actually paused the show and asked, "how many of those are true?" It was decided that in the statement, "Andy Dick: actor, writer, producer" you are looking at somewhere between three and four outright lies depending on whether you think Andy Dick is his real name.
The Less "Pretty Woman" and more "Cathouse Diaries" Award: Goes to Brie. At season's outset, I wanted to believe the backstory of Brie having to be a stripper to pay for her dance career, studio time, etc. It seemed plausible. I mean, even Elizabeth Berkley had to take her clothes off to launch her career ... wait. But as we roll into the middle 50% of this season, it's becoming clear that Brie is a stripper because she likes stripping. She even strips in her free time. The fact that she is allowed out of the house with so few clothes on is only a testament to the increasingly lenient public indecency laws in the state of California. Can Brie go naked for an entire episode? Sure. I will only be shocked if she is NOT turning tricks out of the house parking lot by episode six.
The "Don't Throw Rocks At The Bee Hive" Award: Goes to Joey for putting together one of the scariest montage sequences in human history. Watching him predict his own death/suicide while crying to Brie and then the next morning doing his "work out" made me fearful and I was locked in my apartment in a relatively well-monitored section of New York City. Joey could be anywhere. Joey could read this, get angry, up-and-reach through the computer screen and choke me to death. It's like The Ring on steriods. What he did to the house punching bag registers somewhere between "crimes against an inanimate object" and "North Korean Prison Boxing." If I was living in the Hollywood house, I wouldn't even look at Joey. I wouldn't breathe around Joey. I wouldn't think thoughts around Joey. Does he make it through next week or is this altercation going happen earlier than we think?
The "House Relationships Go From Interesting To Boring In Two Seconds Flat" Award: Kim and David. So, I guess we wanted them to hook up. It was pretty rigged and Kim may or may not be a closeted "woman of questionable virtue." Watching her do her sweaty tribal dance at Tokio while David looked on in horror/interest made me think this girl shouldn't be the one judging Brie for being a stripper. Kim strikes me as one of those girls who refuses to admit that she's slept with upwards of 70 people. She looks nice enough, so no one suspects the questionable behavior that lies beneath. David couldn't care less and appears to have lost his conversational filter, as evidenced by his retort: "you love my penis."
The "How Much Did Tokio Pay To Have The Cast There Every Night?" Award: To the 50,000 dollars Tokio must have laid out for the right to have their name show-up once or twice an episode. Here's the question, was it a one-time payment to Bunim and Murray or was it an agreement that the cast would drink for free? Either way, giving this cast a free bar tab for four months (ahem, JOEY!) is the most serious fiscal under-estimation in the history of liquor licenses. Can't you picture the owner of Tokio being like, "sure, we'll hook them up with free drinks - it'll be great publicity ... And how bad could it be?" This bad. File for bankruptcy now. Send Joey an invoice by way of his boy Enabler David.
The "Great Disappearing Story-Arc" Award: To Sarah and Will. We spent two weeks raising the stakes/likelihood of Sarah cheating and then -poof- now all we can think about is Joey's drinking/depression/impending dark exchange that leads to his termination from the cast. I know the 13-episode format leads to some consolidation of narrative but the Sarah-Will subplot had real potential. Is Will backing off? Impossible. Is Sarah finding Jesus? Doubtful. Is this season about to crash-land or take off? Without question.
Hollywood: As far as I'm concerned, there are only three locations in LA: 1) The house, 2) The Improv Factory 3) Tokio Bar. Find a scene that hasn't happened one of these three places after the first 10-minutes of the first episode. It is, at the very least, surprising. Couldn't we have an amazing scene where the Real World cast stumbles drunkenly into some ritzy LA club and runs into a taping of The Hills? This would be one of those trippy "reality" moments that would be edited out of the show but would probably be one of the most post-modern moments in human history. It makes my head want to explode just thinking about it. I mean, Heidi and Brie in the same bar? LC and David? Spencer and Joey? It's the end of the fucking universe.
