Opening Thoughts: It is worth noting that everyone is hammered all the time. During major showdowns everyone seems to slur their speech and barely remains coherent enough to say, "I'm gonna knock that muthafucka out" or "I'll punch (fill in the blank female castmate) right in the face." In a related story, the threats of violence against women are running at an all-time high. Other than Kim's Pantheon "Don't Get Ghetto" moment, race has been a non-issue. There is no flamboyant gay character in the house. So the vitriol from the cast has turned against women. It's certainly the first time in Real World history where a woman's nomenclature has mostly consisted of "associate," "female" and "ho." Granted, as Kim said, there have been a lot of "naked ho's" in the house. So maybe this isn't just a problem for the boys. Even chicks are hating on chicks.
Kim: Holy hell, you aren't just racist. You're insane. Granted, Dave has been sleeping with you and probably saying nice things during your late-night pillow talk. But, if Dave wants to go out and bring home some girl, you can't really try to explode the situation like a drunken Fourth of July. There are rules and then there are RULES. One of the RULES is that you don't go to the friends of your hook-up buddy's new hook-up (got that?) and tell them capital "L" Lies about your former hook-up buddy. You and I both know that Dave is going to be in your bed next week anyway. Sub-point: your sabotage continued later in the episode, only this time in satisfying fashion when you set Greg's "associate female" up with Will. That was funny. C-blocking your boy Dave? There was a convention in Geneva someone probably told you about and that shit is illegal.
Sarah: Your boyfriend might have won over the cast but he's still on our shit-list. Kid folds faster than a house of cards. In fact, he's getting his own recap. BAM!
Ryan: You are a B. A total B. Greg is calling your girl, Sarah, every name in the book and the best you can do is stand there like a kid on the first day of school. Did you lose your lunch money? Do you know where the nurse is? Fuck, SAY SOMETHING. And the best you can come up with is, "Don't call my girlfriend __________ (fill in the blank insulting insult)." Nice, you really showed him. If anything, don't you come out swinging, even under-sized? The producers can't kick you off because you're leaving in 24 hours anyway and Greg probably goes home for doing violence in the house. This is win-win. If you just. step. up. Also, why are you walking around in athletic shorts and a v-neck sweater? Who dressed you? Steve Hawking? And why are you sitting up in bed with Sarah, fully clothed and not even close to making out? I know you're both Christian and read the bible but she's certifiably hot and you can't seem to get excited/passionate about her. Keep sleeping on it, dude. Will's got the fix in for you. Will's got something coming.
Bri: Well, you flipped out at Greg in the first 20-minutes of the show. Which was predictable. And you sort of bonded with Greg's "female associate." Other than that, the night was a Bri shutout. We did get a brief glimpse of you and "Ho Ho" in the hot tub. I think losing Joey as your addiction running-mate really sucked the life out of your character. Is there any Meth in the cards? Any more arrests? Any more "watch where you sleep, bitch" type outbursts? Color Me Disappointed.
David: Well. You did it. After flirting with idea of opening psychological war-fare on Kim's feeble brain, you really did it. Kim invites you into the shower (this was subtle but DEFINITELY happened) and you said something like, "I'll be there in a minute." Which was totally true if by "be there in a minute" you mean "be sticking my tongue down some random blond girl's throat." Well done, sir. You actually set a lot of the events of last night in motion by destabilizing Kim in about five seconds flat. All of a sudden Kim's c-blocking you and then you and Greg are getting into it over who's gotten more tail and then everyone hates Greg, so Greg steals Sarah's underwear and Sarah goes batshit insane which leads to Ryan folding like France 1939 and Greg's eventual admission to Will that he did, in fact, steal the underwear and Will, smelling a rat, rooking Greg's "associate female" into a confessional-room BJ. It's all in one sentence, Dave, and it's all your fault and it's all beautiful.
Greg: A time-line of your time in the house would look like "HATE HATE HATE like amused like perplexed HATE HATE HATE HATE." You seem proud of your ability to enrage everyone. You seem proud of your ability to pull "cool" pranks like "putting rocks in someone's bed" and "leaving $450 on your own bed." You are, in short, a genius. Dave unleashed some shit on you when he said "what are you going to do, Greg? Call me a peasant?" Oh shit. They TOTALLY heard you in week one!
Will: You are a man that respects vigilantism. You saw something you thought was wrong: the theft of undergarments. And you decided to do battle. A few things happened. 1) You ended up getting face in the confessional which is, I believe, a first in show history. 2) Sarah got her underwear back and now respects you as a "friend" which means your odds of sleeping with her just multiplied by three. 3) You outed Greg as a paranoid, low self-esteem, crazy dude. It was like you prodded around for five weeks finding where he was weakest and then, in one great swoop, destroyed everything that was PretyBoy. The Internet might have made Greg but you, Will, ended him. Oh, in other news, you and Dave better get real close, real soon because Joey is in rehab and no one is talking to Greg.
Final Thoughts: Line of the night goes to Kim who while talking to Ryan and Sarah said, "I'm not drunk ... I mean, I'm drunk." Mental instability + problems with addiction + substance abuse + the pressure of being constantly watched and followed + a crushing bout of narcissism = Real. World. Hollywood. Keep it rolling, folks. We're getting into early Vegas territory now. If you finish strong, this could be one of the best seasons in history.
