Real World Hollywood: Episode Nine (nadir)

The MTV Reality invited a guest lecturer for episode nine after the fine work she did in week five. She can probably drink you under the table and has been labeled as "feisty," "Derek Jeter," and "completely out of hand." Ladies and gentleman, I give you Phoebe.

This episode had far too much to recount in one recap, so I'm going to discuss this the old school way--storybook fashion--and just hope I don't leave anything out.

We open with Joey on a treadmill again. He's 30 days sober and one hour away from drinking, we hope. He says everything is different now and we are led to believe this whole gym thing is new. I'm sorry, booze or no booze, wasn't he always the size of a mack truck? Mike, Joey deuce, is on the phone asking Joey if "they are gonna have fun". This is the dude who introduced Joey to crack and Zinfandel, aka the guy MTV gave a first-class ticket to come out to Hollywood in order to get this show rolling again. Meanwhile, Bri is singing. I kind of want to hit the bottle myself during her rendition of the star spangled banner. Ohhhh Joey, care to join? Will is acting like Bri's pimp, I mean manager, while her mom tells her to have a back-up plan. Isn't stripping technically the ultimate back up plan? I can't really picture her doing anything else at this point.

Joey is rolling a few deep as his sober brothers with matching luggage come into town. This is a tale as old as time: the angels and the devils brought out to play see-saw with Joey's addiction. They go to a Hookah bar, but we got about fifty minutes left so I ain't worried. Joey has high anxiety and everyone is trying to get him to drink/give him advice. Bri wins line of the night less than fifteen minutes in when she tells Joey to "fuck everybody that's behind you". Yeah honey, we know that's your philosophy, literally. Nietzsche isn't it? Sarah babies Joey and I kind of want Greg to magically appear and punch her between the eyes. Joey's venting and says he "wants to go to the nearest bar and get wasted". Oh....I see...on second thought, Sarah, bitch your heart out. Tell him hair gel might actually give him more anxiety. You know what else might increase anxiety? Steroids. Just a thought.

Will is mentoring Bri and tells her to go sing on the street. Will, have you learned nothing? Telling a stripper to go stand on a street corner is called enabling. Not to mention that singing with an MTV camera beside you is hardly making it on your own. Still, I think she'll get bored in five minutes and prostitute herself out on Hollywood and Highland. I don't know about ya'll, but I'm thinking what's more interesting is how it's probably t-minus thirty minutes till we get a hate fuck between Joey and Sarah. She's talking to Wet Blanket and crying a river about how Joey is cold to her and how it's a slap in the face. Ryan tells her she "has enough to deal with, with her own crap". You got that right, buddy. Your girlfriend is REALLY whining to you about how she wants to do ungodly things to JoJo and leave you on the phone to listen. How can we get Sarah and Joey biblical AND get Joey to parachute off the wagon? While we mull that one over, some d-list chick is coming over to "take Joey's head shots". Is this a euphemism for a bj? I mean, I'm sure Bri is giving head shots to Hoho in the next room as we speak. Instead of seeing anything remotely entertaining, we hear more about how Joey just realized he's in "the worst possible place coming out of rehab".

In other news, steroids make you mind numbingly stupid. Oh shit, Joey just compared Sarah to his ex. Dagger or come on? You decide. All this Lifetime Movie Special talk is making a great backdrop for a doggy style night on the pool table. Come on frigid bitch, one sexual favor to keep JoJo off a cliff and you could be rid of that loser boyfriend AND redeem yourself for an entire season of zzzzzzzz. Kill two birds with one lay. Do it.

We're back from commercial. Dave has his planner out at Improv. Dude, didn't you get the memo? This is not a real job. You work at a bar. While I'm at it, didn't you also get the fax? Glittery shirts on dudes are not sexy. Bri is moving forward with her "career plans". I was under the impression that happened when she went down Moses on HoHo in episode three, but these are minor details. Joey is threatening everyone with goodbyes, which makes Bri sad cause she sees so much potential in Joey. Can someone please fucking sleep with Joey? This isn't rocket science. We have a stripper in the house. David tells Joey it's ultimately his decision whether to stay or go. Of course he says this within inches of a bar. I have to hand it to the cast. They are tap dancing on the line of morality. Cue shitty fake-me-out Pearl Jam music. We got less than twenty minutes and we have to get Joey laid, drunk, or preferably both.

Bri's fellow strippers, I mean friends, are in town. Joey is crying for the umpteenth time this season. His grandmother tells him to think of all the loving people waiting for him in Chicago. Yes, Joey. Think of that. Or, you could think of the massive, cold bottle of Zinfandel right here in the fridge. It can be allll yours for the low low price of more viewers. Joey mentions hitting up a bar again, but it's all talk. Just when I think the last strand of hope is lost, the boys wake Joey up and are going to a strip club. it.just.got.interesting.at.10:42. Bri has another winning line with "I thought I was one of the boys, I wanted to go to the strip club". Bri, you don't go to the office on Saturday. Everybody knows that, jesus. The boys are slamming down waters while getting lap dances. This looks about as fun as the dentist. Joey sees the strip club as a genuine show of love, but he's still going home. Tear. I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy yet wondering how the fuck Joey is still sober. This is some serious John Nash shit. He is giving his last confessional. He mentions the holy trinity of jail, rehab and death. I have to say I'm a little disappointed. It's not life and death until the Zinfandel is actually clenched in your roided up fist. The piano chords are getting stronger. Joey is sharing his goodbye letter, which reads like a "True Life" article of Seventeen.
"I tried to hang myself in my basement". Scratch. Scratch. Jigga what? "This was right before MTV contacted me about being on The Real World". Yeah, that's about as coincidental as more than one child molestation charge being brought against Michael Jackson.

Oh, we're not done yet. There is a separate letter that is addressed to crack. Yeah, you heard me. It begins: "Dear Crack." I want to hide under my covers, but Joey just usurped Bri for line of the night with the last line of his letter: "What you gonna do when the 12 steps run wild on you?" Bad Joey, Bad Joey. What you gonna do? What you gonna do when you don't let the Zinfandel run wild on you? All the roommates are playing dumb about his cocaine use. This sure is a reassuring bunch. "Makes you think about shit, huh" David chimes in. Eloquent, Bandana. Eloquent. David also goes on to talk about his true friendship and full support of Joey. PLEASE. You were taking Vodka shots while Joey was unpacking his shit from rehab. Joey tells the camera Hollywood will either make someone or break someone. Well, if nothing else, your fifteen-minutes will be bat-shit crazy. Now we have five roommates and three minutes. This is not cool. Bri's friends are telling her to picture everyone naked before her show. God, they are just lining stuff up for me right now....

Bri's song is worse than a bad Idol audition and I'm about to break my TV. It's over. Just like that, Joey fades into MTV oblivion. Without fucking Sarah or Bri OR taking a sip of Zinny. I feel like I just got broken up with before getting to see where it went (rock bottom). Joey, how can you leave me like this? What about all the good times? The breaking shit? The fat blonde you terrified? The Zinfandel left alone in the fridge? Rehab changed you, but it didn't change me. I guess some people just grow apart....

These new roommates better bring it.

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