To Be or Not to Be (Stupid): The Top 20 Best Hills Quotes Ever

In honor of the 4th season of The Hills, which is mere few days away, we would like to share some true gems with you. No matter what drama was going down in LaLa land, or in your own life, you could always count on the pillar of intellectualism that is the cast of this hot mess to give you some winning thoughts on life. You can't write this stuff people, so we won't even try.

Going backwards from when The Hills was just a spin-off in L.C's eye...drumroll please...welcome to emerald city.


20. "This is my chance to make it all happen, in one city, where they say dreams come true"-L.C. Um, yeah. And by dreams come true, you mean you fuck for your 15 mins.

19. "School gets in the way of everything, I can't wait to finish already"-Heidi

"Heidi, you haven't even started here"-LC

Sometimes L.C delivers. This is one of those times. Way to call Heidi out for being skull-crushingly dumb in front of the cameras. We knew it was only a matter of less than 2 seasons before you'd stab each other in the back. Heidi, I give you props for pretending to go to school when you were secretly planning your boob-job and rise to the F-list. It must have been hard to do your fashion homework inbetween all those blow jobs you gave out like candy.

18. "How would you characterize yourself as a high-school student?"-Admissions person at FIDM

"I never did learn anything. I never went to school, I never did anything, I just went shopping and hung out"-Heidi

Heidi Montag, more honest than Bill Clinton since 1992.

17. "I have a very stressful job, I have to guard this VIP area"-L.C

Does this even need a comment?

16. "My dad always told me flowers mean 'I'm sorry' and chocolates mean 'I love you'"-L.C

Judging from the seasons thus far, I think flowers mean "You will choose me over Paris and then I will proceed to get a DUI and rehabilitate myself at the Musuem of Tolerance" and chocolates translate as "we will have anal sex and it will be filmed". Yup. That's actually correct. I speak Laguna fluently.

15. "Love is not a maybe thing, you know when you love someone"-L.C

This is so deep, I feel like I'm at the bottom of the ocean. I'm down here with the Titanic screenplay. I will not let go, Lauren Conrad because everything makes sense now.

14. "You'll find out. I told you we'd have a good New Years. I'm not saying anything after, but I'm saying we'll have a good New Years. I'm not saying it's going to end up good though, I love you. I didn't do anything"-Jason "if i'm not schizo i'm violent" Wahler

It was probably safer for everyone when he was pre-verbal.

13. TWO: "Lauren didn't go to Paris. She's always gonna be known as the girl who didn't go to Paris. Did you regret that decision?"- Lisa Love (sidenote: L.C nods)

FOLD: "How was your summer at the beach your boyfriend? Did that work out for you?"- Lisa Love (sidenote: L.C shakes head)

I am Lisa's bitch in that sentence. We all are.

12. "Are you still going to be my buddy?"-Jason

"I can't be a normal buddy though, it just doesn't work"-L.C.

translation officially provided by the Oxford Latin Dictionary

"Are we still going to fuck?"-Jason

"I can't fuck on videotape though, only off camera"-L.C

11. "I mean, well, you like me. That's why we have these issues. We have a choice....to be at peace, you know, kick rocks. be acquaintances....or we can be cool with each other and enjoy the company and have fun with each other"-JustinBobby

My heart sorta belongs to JustinBobby for the sole reason that he is able to make a clear-as-windex booty call into this hippy-dippy mantra about being cool with the moment. Not that convincing Audrina would be tough. She makes L.C look like a physicist. But, jeeeesus people. He might as well have said "we have a choice. we can not have sex (boo) or we can have sex(yay)". p.s. in other news, kick rocks? What Charlie Brown?

10. "this is life changing mexican food"-Spencer on Don Antonios. I've actually been to that restaurant and then promptly confirmed Spencer was a waste of what's left of our planet's air.

9. "The only time I miss having a boyfriend is when I have to put something together, or when I have to pick something out, like a T.V, or when I have a lot of groceries"-L.C

This is actually a filler quote because Jen Bunny's were too stupid to reproduce. You're welcome.

8. "It's summertime playa, I got to get my gear on"-Spencer.

Heidi wore you like a wetsuit, PLAYA.

7. "I'm ready to be something than somebody else's intern"-Whitney

This sounds like edited out line from Garden State. PUT AN ELLIPSIS ON IT WHIT.

6. "abby, abby, alex, allison, allison, bambi, britney, blonde britney, vegas britney, canada whore"-L.C reading off Brody's home.

either Brody is the biggest scumbag that side of the mason-dixon line or that's as damn real talk as it gets.

5. "Bud, you know what's even more fun?"-L.C

"what?"-Brody

"your condo"-L.C

you can call him 'bud' all you want, but that's braille for BJ in your Range Rover in 2.2.

4. "Maybe she picked him up at Rehab"-Spencer

"Maybe they are back in movie-making action"-Heidi

Ooooh, evil comes with a penis AND a vagina.

3. "None of my friends are sober"-Jason Wahler

That might be a conflict of interest j-dog. Alcohol was your gateway to spewing racial slurs. Sober friends might be a wise choice unless you want to spend your life as a live exhibit for the Museum of Tolerance. Your call.

2. "I love you"-Heidi

"No, you don't"-Spencer

Stealing from an old school Getbackinthenews episode recap for this one 'cause there's really no better way to comment: "I'm pretty sure that's emotional abuse". Entertaining as hell, though.

1. "I want to forgive you, but I want to forget you"-L.C

the "oh snap" heard around the world.

BONUS: Spencer off-camera quote.

"I'm making people react and ultimately not think about that we are in a war with Iraq and trying to pick leaders"

Yes, this was actually said and put to print. That, uh, doesn't make sense. Spence: subject, noun, verb. connections. in. brain. make. them. now. please.

Tune back for the rousing 4th season where we'll be sure to have another library of quotes to add to our bound collection. Leather or parchment? You decide. I'm out like Jason Wahler from society.

xoxo,

RealesTalk

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Run's House: Age Against the Machine

Run's House! It's back! HOORAY!!!

Run and Justine are publishing a book about parenting. I guess that clears up why the show's gotten so preachy. I'm ok with that. How Cosby of them. But really, I might buy a copy for every parent I see this year. Like, every time I put your kid on long term suspension, you get a copy of this bad boy. I should really see if I can get like a bulk discount or something.

These kids. are. You know I don't like to talk smack about Run, etc. but these children are ridiculous. I want my own clothing line, and sneaker company, and magazine, and you know what it won't matter that they aren't even that popular I just want them so that I can tell people that I have them. Please, Daddy? PLEASE?! Do you think Run claims his entrepreneur children on his taxes, or does he make them file their own. HA. You know what, these kids deserve every chapter about their embarrassing personal secrets.

What are you, 13?
Honestly, I thought Diggy was like, 9. I actually think he IS 9, just small for his age. If you are a grown ass man, working for Russell Simmons, do you really think it would be like a reasonable pastime to shoot down a 7 year old child? I guess I can agree with that. I'd probably do that too. Whoa. You gotta take the swears out, Russell Sr. How has no one ever explained to this man that he curses far too much for really anyone, except maybe pirates and also me while bombed and schooling you at Beirut.

Pharrell. Is... my boyfriend. No, but really. We met on 93rd and Lex. The year was 2003. It was Fall in New York City. What a beautiful moment. By "met" I mean, I saw his tour bus and I tried to get on it. Apparently it was "locked" probably to keep the "stalkers and hobos" out. Whatevs.

OMG HILLS AD!!!!!!!! CAN NOT WAIT!!!!!!!!!!

Russy. Shut it.
What's worse? Being the youngest child or an only child? Which ones come out crazier? Guess it doesn't really matter as Run's entire brood proceeded to go nuts and bust into the silent recording session. Gah. It's a little too early in this season for me to be annoyed. Here's an idea. How about Angela and Vanessa aren't on the show anymore, ever. And maybe we can just follow Russy around and watch him do ridiculous stuff? Sound like a plan, MTV?
Thanks.
Love always,
getbackinthenews

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In Defense of The Hills

There's been a lot of bitching about the fake/real, real/fake events that constitute my favorite vice, The Hills. Yea, I get that having British TV air The Hills with a disclaimer stating "The following program may contain scenes that have been created purely for entertainment purposes.” may create issues for some fans, or more likely, provide ammo to critics, but come on people, let's be honest. We watch this schlock because WE LOVE IT.

REAL TALK
Real talk, people. The Hills is an incredible piece of art that we are privileged enough to have brought into our homes once a year, and sometimes we get lucky and there are bizarre mini seasons about Paris and other crap. So what if it's contrived, re-shot, fabricated at times. So are our lives.

PREMISE I: iPhoto
Before you get your panties all in a twist about The Hills' deceit, let's take a moment to own our own editing. There is a reason "retouch" is a feature on your iPhoto. Inherently, people look bunk sometimes, and you gotta do what you can to make things... less ugly. And who hasn't used crop. Excessively. No one wants to see their fat rolls up on the facebook, or exactly where that dude from the bar is groping you. We edit what we make public. And if your iPhoto had MTV's power to add multiple angle shots, flashing stars at key moments, and a somewhat ridiculous soundtrack, you would be all over that. You can lie to yourself, but don't you lie to me. Real talk.

PREMISE II: Your cell phone
Sometimes people "make bad choices". Or "wish they had a time machine". Clearly, the only way to address these concerns is to just pretend like the things you did never really happened in the first place. There is a reason your cell phone has an "Erase All" option in your sent messages box. It's way easier to delete your call log than it is to own the choices you made at 4 am mid-rage blackout. So before you go getting upset with The Hills for their editing and re-creations, think about how much recon you had to do to figure out what happened last weekend, and which parts you are already actively denying ever occured.

PREMISE III: DVR
You love DVR. It has literally changed your life. Maybe not for the better, but how else can you get to save episodes of "Family Matters", "My Life on the D-List", and "Roseanne" while watching Showgirls (on VH1) in real time. The point is, there is no way these DVR'd shows would at all be tolerable to watch without being able to fast-forward 8-12 minutes of commercials. And also the parts where the laugh tracks start to get a bit out of control. We self edit what we are willing to watch, even after we have searched the GUIDE function for the most obscure and necessary shows. And who doesn't live for the "30 second rewind" button? Think: if you could fast forward your life, chances are you would. Happily.


Yes, it's difficult to accept that aspects of The Hills are...less than accurate. Even Will Arnett took it hard. But I took it hard when I realized GOB wasn't a real person. We edit our lives, everyday, and what is more reflective of real life than reality tv? Answer: NOTHING.

Here's to a new season of The Hills and our coup here at TheMTVreality

CHEERS

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