THE ISLAND: Premiere

What is the island?
Based on the vague, somewhat nude, screaming ads, it's difficult to tell. Maybe we can find out tonight.


Catching up with the cast

KerryAnn, or whoever she is, is breaking out like she never has in her life. Good. You deserve it. You're kind of awful.

Dave is convinced that everyone is underestimating him. Well, Dave. Remember your season? Yea that Joey guy kinda stole the "crazy as shit" title right from under you. sorry, brah.

RACHEL?! rachelbutnotfatiraqrachel? Original Lez Rachel? It's been like... years since we've seen you. Also, you can exist without having Veronica glued to your ass? You CLAIM to like being totally alone.

Tonya. You live in small town NEBRASKA? They let you in? I guess you do sort of look like children of the corn. uhhhhh... again remember how you PROMISED several years ago on "true life: i am at reality 'star'" to never do another challenge. Some promises really have no business being broken. I am kind of furious with you. Although you claim to have your "act together"

Dan. Who is "Dan"? Ashli? try again.

Dunbar... ate a guy? And took all his strength? He is HUMONGOUS!

Cohutta! um, you can do... sports? and stuff?

Robin. So. Many. Challenges. Such. Big. Boobs. Coyote. Ugly.

Derrick is a Daddy? Does he shake the baby? by its head? everyday? and it's not even illegitimate!

C.O.L.I.E. remember how bad you looked with "curly" hair on your season? Yea, ok well this is not fair and I don't think it is okay for you to have to look like this in my face, across my flat screen, for weeks. PLEASE.

Johanna is single? I thought that like Wes was marrying her. And She wants to make out with KENNY? UGH. gross. ugh. gross. I am actually throwing up.

Remember how Abe is crazy? Considering this challenge is pretty much about killing everyone else around you, he might just win this bad boy.

HEYYYY TJ LAVIN!!!!!!!!
seriously bring me back Johnny Moseley. For the love of God.

Let's get down to it
- There are no teams
- There are no challenges (?!?!)
- You will live on a beach, stranded, for the whole season
- oh yea and THAT island, there's $300,000 of treasure
- The Army will be dropping supplies. Yea, the Army. Shouldn't they be in Iraq?

so... the implicit rule here is that there ARE no rules

The Island has:
- no electricity
- a scare amount of water
- beautiful interior design
- rice
- copious amounts of alcohol
- absurd hook ups on the first night

You Do the Math
So, 8 of you can get on the island...but there are like 40 of you there. have fun with that guys. Oh and also, start swimming.

Let's make some bets:
Winners:
Ev, Dunbar, maybe Kenny which will really piss me off, Abe

First to break:
Kelly Ann, Colie, Johanna, Cohutta, Dave, Tonya

We are officially 9 minutes in an Tonya is already losing it. ithinkiloveyoumtv. watching that b cry is like one of my favorite pasttimes. ever.

"I just don't do that"
What's that, Jenn? You don't like girls and you don't make out with them, so then, uh, what are you doing with your tongue and Rachel's mouth?

Ryan and Kelly Ann not a bad combo, as long as he promises to drown her while feeling her up in the ocean.

Kenny v. Tonya
PLEASE destroy each other. That would be like the greatest gift anyone has ever given man kind. as far as reality tv is concerned. and also please make sure the camera guys can get it on tape. to review in slow mo repeatedly.


So are we gonna start this game or what?
Start by: building a boat
Then: get the stuff that Army dropped for you

uh. anyone else beyond confused? This is starting to read like an Army recruitment video...

In the Boxes:
- Meat
- Fish
- Toilet Paper
- Some boat stuff

Ev: "I can't stand the sound of Johnny Banana's voice. I would love to gut him like a fish. I would demolish his little body". Please, Ev. Do these things you speak so poetically about. Do them for me. Please. oh god, please.

Kenny and Johanna actually just made me gag. I bet Wes is crying into his giant pillow watching this air. Ha ha ha ha ha.


Treasure Chest needs 4 people and 4 keys. I think. TJ Lavin is HORRIBLE at explaining things, as we have learned from the last billion years of challenges. Something about a public vote, something about begging your way back in when you lose a gauntlet like 1:1 face off. And also you can steal from your friends. I think this means:

to get a key you must:
- win a face/off (or)
- win an elimination begging match (or)
- steal from your fallen comrades

How are we only 30 minutes in? This is ridiculous.

Face/Off
this is incredibly confusing. You can like... battle anyone in any combo you want. WTF. First face/off: Abe/Kenny/Tonya, although it was a close call between KellyAnn and Ashli

The Face/Off: Leaning Tower
- 3 poles in the water with holes
- climb the poles to ring the bell and get your key
- the dowels for to climb are underwater like 50 feet away
- also if you lose you can beg to stay and maybe get the second key
- don't forget to put on your snorkel mask
And GO!

Abe wins. Tonya is a mess. Kenny is pissed.

This process of elimination is ridic. Beg to stay. literally beg.
BYE TONYA. BYYYYYYEEEEEEEE. sort of wished they kept her stupid ass longer, but honestly these new kids are twice as crazy. Back to the farm, baby.


Kenny: "of course I am running the show. In the olden days they used to take the most beautiful man in the village and make him king".
Kenny i want to kill you. I hope Johanna gives you every STD known to man.

This Season: All hell breaks loose.

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Making the Band 4 (?)

wtf
frankly, i am totally confused. I THOUGHT making the band was... over. apparently I was wrong. I also thought that the next making the band would feature... a new group of people. i was wrong. again.

the reason I stopped watching this show was
a. it doesn't make sense
b. diddy fired Laurie Ann.

Firing Laurie Ann is INSANE. why would you boom kat fire the only awesome person to ever be on this show. Yes, I am ignoring you, Aubry O'Day.

But then, ridiculous ads started airing for MTB4... with LAURIE ANN. so i had to DVR it.

and here we go
uh.... Donnie has a new CD. a solo album. wasn't the name of last season making the BAND? the dudes that walked all 5 boroughs and got pneumonia are STILL training? with Ankh Ra? Vocal Guru? I think Aubrey and those hussies are around, probably crying, somewhere.

there they are!
remember how all the songs Dannity Kane was supposed to drop were released by other artists? Like Xtina? and were way better than dannity ever did it? whoa. WHOA. is this a rehearsal... or a striptease? I. might. vomit. as puffy sits there as a "proud poppa". ughhhhhhh.

we run the streets
Ebony and Ivory? Really? Really? Aubrey O'day and D Woods. you are ridic. actually i think i just decided what i am doing this weekend. finding these hussies and taking shots with them. you in, RealesTalk?

I can't even walk in the mall no more
I guess that really is a mark of fame. what mall are we talking about? i couldn't pick any of these chumps out of a lineup with the G's to Gents, except maybe the one that used to be fat. and Donnie cuz he looks like a new kid. I bet he is PISSED NKOTB are reuniting and stealing his thunder.

BOOM! KAT!
you are late. Laurie Ann does not play like that.
For being late, and not getting the dance on your first try, Laurie Ann is going to make your life a living hell. This i promise you.

this show is an hour? that's just ridiculous.

that's a tantrum
so we are apparently 7 days from the show... and Brian is playin like a child. Here's the thing about Laurie Ann. she. will. end. your. life. do NOT disrespect her. unless you like being dead.
dear brian,
get over it.
love,
the band that was made who has a name that is not at all memorable

p.s. thanks for leaving us with the eternal question of "what are we gonna do without Laurie Ann?". these dudes look about as scared, confused, and distraught as i did when she was fired last season.

"it's not about brian it's about the band"
fact brian. there is nothing to keep a band of brothers (literally) together than a conflict with Laurie Ann and sweating it out to some R & B. Stay humble. it's the key to success.

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Double Whammy: The Boys Are Back in Town

We're back with a double serving of The Hills and since it starts in Vegas, I'm going to crunch these bad boys together and add a numerical scoring system that probably won't make much sense, but let's roll the dice and try anyway.

Episode 1: Boys Make Girls Cry (i'll give them that one, +2 for title)

flying to vegas on doug's jet even though she broke up with him

+10 for L.C for maneuvering that one, -30 for doug (dude, that much fuel is MORALLY INCORRECT RIGHT NOW and your personality or lack thereof docks you another -10)

+25 for brodys flying dagger of an backhanded toast: "having little steph is almost like having spencer here". dude, everyone can see brooke hogan ain't little and spencer is about as likable as rudy giuliani. nice one.

-10 for spencer solely because i have a physical reaction to him now. the polar opposite of the kind of physical reaction i have to christian bale (+400)

+15 to doug (i can't believe i'm doing this, but he had a good line) for saying "anyone up for shots? lo will take as shot"). lo does not look like she has a big tolerance, so basically he just called you easy. "lo"-blow though so -5.

-18 to stephanie for clear overuse of self-tanner. oh god it just got progressively worse in the same scene. -28

+5 to justinbobby for appearing to begin to scrub himself

-5 nevermind.

-10 for the confusion about frankie's age. is he 21 or 27? ....either is creepy.

-50 for brody at dinner scene. calling an ex-user crazy and psychotic in public is probably not the way to go. however i will reward brody +75 for making this show interesting again.

-40 for doug: "you making girls cry now?" he asks brody. well, in all fairness bro, its better than making them fall asleep...

-10 for L.C's words of wisdom: "don't ever cry over someone that wouldn't cry over you". hmmmm...i can't imagine brody or jason getting waterworks like you did over them and i believe i have some archived clips that would back me up on this

-35 for overall club scene. it was much more enjoyable when lo was eating frankie's face in the foreground like in season's past.

+35 for justinbobby. when its a "bad night for the girls", you my friend are getting laid eight ways to tuesday.

+40 for heidi: "stay down there spencer, don't come in" now you're starting to treat him like you should. two years late but, good work.

-100 for spencer: "she erased three of my shows on the tivo". i know getbackinthenews will probably actually defend spencer on this one re: messing with someone's tivo, but could he be any more of a sloth? his resume is lighter than sarah palin. also, in the time you spent driving to heidi's work to complain, you probably could have watched the repeat of the girls next store you missed on e!

+100 for heidi's comeback: just get out of the house already, maybe you shouldn't be there so much. yesssssssss. suddenly heidi is not making my blood boil....this is concerning in and of itself, i'm docking myself about -50 for thinking any pro-heidi thoughts.

+250: not for brody and doug being in jail, but for this and this only: doug got punched.

slap on another +20 if you say it again and it makes you giddy inside

to be continued....

ALRIGHT. we're back. i'm tired of numbers. i'm not good at math, which is convenient because we're back in L.A and anything intellectually stimulating shant be needed here. i am also significantly dumber from 22 minutes in vegas.

Episode 2: Something Has to Change (yes, i agree, this show needs to get and stay better)

let's keep this up folks

if doug is in jail and got punched, consider you girls lucky. no bail bonds people should be involved. only bartenders cause that calls for a celebration. its also scary that between 3 iphones/blackberrys, millions of dollars between you and a camera crew, you haven't found them yet...

the recon of their fight was about as riveting as the RNC. i would kill a man to see doug get punched. wheres that golden footage?

the best conversation to date: "still looking for jobs and stuff...."-holly

"you can do that from the couch?"-spencer

"yeah"-holly

wow, looks like the student has become the teacher. i'm starting to think spencer went for the wrong montag. heidi has ambition (boob job) and motivation (bolthouse) and holly likes to sleep, tivo and also considers the living room her office. they should just build a treehouse and sloth around all day together. too bad extenstions still don't make holly hot. LA is so cruel.

ok. people's revolution is boring. why hasn't this been phased out? i don't wanna hear about jeans. i want JUICE.

justinbobby: ulcery feeling? sticky situation? put it in a haiku you burnout.

i missed what spencer was saying because i was mid-rage blackout just looking at him.

first sign of facebook i've seen on the show when lo is using it in scene with L.C. i'm thinking i would pay cold hard cash to get into justinbobby's facebook account.

i think i'd rather sleep naked in a cave full of bats and mice than spend 2 minutes inside Area.

lady gaga: you got about .00002 secs of airtime before they overlapped death cab ontop of you. not a good sign. 'the ice is getting thinner' has already been used in an over-emo-ruined- the -song- for -me- scene on Gossip Girl.

.....and it all leads up to the infamous tearfest between L.C and Audrina. i am wondering if this is the scene that was rumored to have had the producers in tears. see, here is the thing: my cry threshold is lower than low. i have gotten choked up at episodes of E.R. i do not even like E.R. this did not get me. i was instead wondering why L.C does not wear waterproof mascara and if audrina was ever kept back a grade. however, they are gonna try to be friends again and put the past in the past. so all is right with the hills world.

RECAP: i'm glad the hills stepped it up a notch in this sunday-monday back to back showing. it has previously been on life support and now can breath on it's own till next week. my concern lies in the previews. the upcoming scenes are manipulated so that usually we see the absolute best of what's to come and albeit, its nothing like what actually goes down, but puts its hooks in you regardless so you at least show up. if these are the BEST of next weeks scenes, i'm not pleased. a couple shots of stephanie looking like a cheeto and holly canoodling with L.C are not the ticket. please tell me someone fell asleep in the editing room.

but for now, we'll enjoy this little bounce.

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