Where we left off:
Kenny is a douche and Tonya got voted home. Johanna is a slut and Dunbar eats people.
Keys in hand: Kenny and Abe
so many questions:
Can someone PLEASE, after years of me asking, explain how Paula, who we all know is mentally unstable and has a debilitating eating disorder, is allowed on these challenges. I mean, she may have a HUGE upper hand on the Island since she uh doesn't you know, eat.
where's the beef?
Even if all you have is rice and coconuts, you still need to do the dishes, guys. In classic Real World fashion, we avoid cleaning up. I guess since you have to wash in the river, that it's somewhat more acceptable than in your multimillion dollar mansions. but still. you guys are gross.
say what?
"i would never take one of my friend's food and ate it" -kellyanne in defense of herself v johnny bananas. suddenly it totally makes sense why she's a perfect match for cohutta. here's the thing about johnny bananas. he doesn't matter. as a person. just ignore him. i do. every challenge. the end.
hulk smash
Derrick: "a typical dan night is like turning on the tv and watching someone be totally and utterly awesome" (cut to scenes of dan smashing everything in site and passing out face first on the beach). I mean when Dave and Derrick start judging you... you got a problem there buddy. dan claims to be "resourceful" and "not a liability". not sure i am convinced, dan.
WHY ARE THESE EPISODES AN HOUR I THINK I AM GETTING STUPID
OUCH
Abe: we were you know like setting crab traps because crabs are awesome and then this beautiful fruit fell out of the sky in front of me. so we was like heyyyyyyyyy let's climb that tree and eat that beautiful fruit. and then ARRRRRGGGGGGGAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
(cut to Abe running screaming crying)
hahahhahah Abe has been attacked by killer wasps. you know, the ones that can sting repeatedly. this. looks. awful. ON HIS LIP. and his EAR. and EVERYWHERE. oh GOD.
Robin and Kenny both live at home with their parents? UGH. can you get a 105th trimester abortion? Johnny makes KellyAnn crazy, yes crazier than she is without her pills, and runs to the sanest person on the island-- Ev. Careful, Kellyanne. you might just fall in loooooooove.
DAN IS INCRED
Basically Dan is like me and Realest on a Saturday night. around 10pm.
Cursing rapidly? check.
Going totally hurricane? check
Getting restrained? check
all i see missing is rapidly texting leading to massive regret, and blogging your face off, but it's the island so the wireless is a bit dicey.
dude, we think you have a problem. a DRINKING problem.
It's not Dan's fault. We can all see how BORING it is there. When MTV gives you zero food, zero to do, and alcohol galore, people are gonna get ridic. Sad to see his intervention is by some chick no one has ever seen before in braids and a sweatband, but this is the realest talk Dan has ever had. He WILL take care of this problem... WHEN HE GETS HOME. and not a day sooner.
ARMY ARMY ARMY ARMY ARMY
HOORAY! Food and Boat! Hooray!
How much longer do you think it's gonna be til Colie has to start pulling her weight?
ooooooOOOOOOOOhhhhhhHHHHHHH a CELL PHONE!?!? with 10 minutes talk time. and that is all. I am seriously disappointed that no one lost limbs over the airtime. but. that's cool. I can wait til the laptop drop.
Well since Dan's intervention stuck, Dave has got to take over the title of biggest drunk asshole. and we are BOOTING. NICE! the island is pretty much exactly like summer 2005, yow those were some glory days. and DAVE IS PACKING TO GO HOME. But where is he rolling his suitcase? the taxi stand? I like how the Island gives some assholes a chance to be leaders. like Jenn. and braids girl. and Ev. TJ Lavin. gah. BYE DAVE!!!!!
MARIO LOPEZ YOU ARE LITERALLY EVERYWHERE
Nomination time.
In classic JohnnyBananas fashion, he gets real bossy and decides there should be three dudes in, and nominates himself. in goes Derrick, in goes Abe? wasp killed Abe? Who already has a key? Dear Abe, I hope you win and destroy Johnny and send him home because I am tired of his face. If Kenny was Johnny he would be crapping his pants right now.
FACE/OFF
gametime!!! RING WRESTLE
there is a circle. and some rings in it. everybody grabs it. and tried to snatch it away from each other. last man standing with hands on ring wins. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. best of luck to you, gentlemen.
Wow. Derrick and Johnny. Wow. Gah. Abe...might kill you. he's a hurricane of fists and elbows. Abe is out. Derrick v Johnny. Derrick. destroy him. please. hahhahaha Johnny you tattled and got out hahahhaha.
Quitting is for losers
Abe... why would you leave? by choice? you probably will win this thing. and also you have a "business"? for some reason i seriously doubt this. What's hilarious is that if Jenn and Kellyann's plot works, they can knock out both of them. at once. POWER. how these bitches reasoned through all of this, i don't know, but i am impressed.
This plan is working. very. well. except, Paula? what are you doing? Ryan gets it. Why don't YOU?! COLIE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! dammit! Abe gave his key to Dunbar? Were they making out away from the cameras? I am so confused.
"can you imagine tonight with johnnybananas gone? sometimes i dream about it"- kellyanne. I don't know about you guys but i am just waiting for the two of them to sex out their anger. just do it and get it over with i am starving.
NEXT WEEK: New alliances! Robin takes Johanna on. and frankly, Robin has an incredible amount of rage and also her arms look great. she might kill you, Jo (pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasefingerscrossed).
Friday, September 19, 2008
The ISLAND
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
you win some you lose some
i guess its going to be up and down this season, wavering between frighteningly boring and all-the-backstabbing-blowouts-in one or two episode-chunks. if at least they could have prefaced this season with some sort of warning to that effect, i could have watched the marathons on getbackinthenews's dvr and paddled on to the good stuff. it is what it is though. ain't that the truth. let's roll.
you always miss a best friend. is this even true? i'm not sure i miss my best friends from elementary school and i'm pretty sure some of mine from junior high are currently terrifying portraits of human beings.... or so i see from thefacebook. oh well, l.c needs her truisms to be true to wake up every morning.
i thought spencer kicked holly out. puzzling. no wonder she wants to hang out with lauren. if i were holly, i'd be hanging with the mafia at this point. i'd be on the corner of alvera street in downtown l.a asking if i could share someone's shopping cart and take a hit off their crackpipe.
the tension with audrina has magically disappeared. or was the page on the script merely just turned. i guess that's eternal question. oh wow, holly JUST texted heidi. right as whitney is there to ask all the oprah questions. how do you feel about this? sit back on my leather couch and tell me lauren because my life is too boring for the show. i will not get my own spin off. i will not get my own spin off.
audrina's boss calls a meeting with her. this is the first time in the entire course of the show that i have seen audrina do anything other than talk about justinihavehpvbobby/lo on work time or IM/talk on her cell phone about which bar to get railed on that night. i actually forgot where she worked or what she even did. as far as i'm concerned, she gets paid to talk to chiara. but now she has to run a VERY TIGHT SHIP.
oh lauren/oh holly/i miss you/you look so pretty/oh godyawwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
family is blood. you do not mess with that. YOU DO NOT. unless your last name is pratt. then: go.to.town.
some italian restaurant the producers are paying jb to take audrina to: you look pretty tonight audrina...uhhh line please?....oh right, so you look pretty...... i like that dress. audrina informs jb its a skirt. jb says "you could have fooled me" he is too busy wondering how long since he's been tested or showered. my guess is before the clinton administration. for both.
jb says audrina is "accepting", which is stonerspeak for i can walk all over you like aerosmith and you keep coming back for more. oh nevermind, justinbobby says their situation is wayyyyy different than hers and lo/lc's. uh, yeah, because you bone. and because unlike with the girls, she doesnt even attempt to get fakemad when you screw her over. buenos dias, rock bottom.
lc is not convincing at all in pretending she wants to see 'the white tie affair' showcase. OH MY GOD THEY ARE COINCIDENTLY PLAYING THEIR SINGLE AS THIS SCENE ROLLS. MTV, you epitomize subtle.
sometimes friendships are even harder than relationships....wow i gotta think about this one before i fully wrap my mind around it. give me a minute. i'll come back to this.
audrina is taking shots. i guess tequila is the key to running a tight ship. works for me.
this song is sort of making me want to chug cough syrup. "thanks for coming lo". my worst enemy is here but justinbobby has not even texted me back. ouch. that. has. got. to. hurt. more than last night for drina if you know what i mean.
holly/heidi showddddoooown. not really. they both make me want to pull my hair out and feed it to myself.
stephanie is talking to a member of the band who looks like he's a straight extra from planet of the apes. she secretly got her tongue pierced once: translation: you can pee in my mouth tonight drummer.
chiara needs a bang trim. or maybe just a bang. see, the things that i notice when the episode. BLOWS.
old plot lines with jb and audrina. to quote al gore, i love recycling but this is ridiculous.
stephanie, braids are not a good look for you. and the soap opera music has begun. we have split scenes of heidi and l.c discussing their friendship nostalgia. it's so unfortunate how things have ended. yes, yes it is. it is unfortunate you had to date satan and it is unfortunate that l.c told you about the sex tape she made with jwol and that you sold your soul to perez hilton for fake boobs. 'tis. sniff. sniff. maybe one day, by a miracle, they'll be friends again. you always do miss a best friend, according to l.c aka hemingway. we shall see. maybe the scene that had producers crying was not the one we have already seen. maybe there is hope for this show yet. or maybe, we have seriously plummeted.
next up: the h is o. we're back with brooke hogan's twin pouncing like a striped cheetah on doug and brody telling-all to L.C. thank god. this sounds like one to press stop on the dvr.
till next time.
signing off with my sarah palin generated name
fowl overtime.
