The ISLAND

uhhhhh someone please explain to me why all the chicks with eating disorders won't stop talking about eating. we. know. you. are liars.

Ashli won't shut up, also no one wants you. so CAN IT.

THE ALLIANCE
is all about having keys. say what? i thought it was about boning. and trickery. and smack talk. guess i haven't been watching the same show as the one you are on, Paula.

DRAMA MAMAS
are we really fighting about Ev? Guys, please. this is just sort of silly. You guys must be incredibly hungry.

Ev has been hording food. i mean. can you blame her? girl is huge she needs her protein! it has to take a lot of energy to make your hair that big everyday. why don't think just subtract all of the eating disorders out of the pot and then everybody gets more and the crazy chicks get skinnier. everybody's happy.

We Gotta Get Rid Of Johnny
YES! FINALLY! Someone is listening to me! Now kill Kenny! DO IT! dooooo it.

"It's bananasbirthday and so we are all going crazy"
why that translates into excessive eye makeup I really don't know. also. you guys can get wasted without costumes. you have all been on national tv wasted before. so...
Jenn... yow. crossing boundaries to make the magic with JohnnyBananas. Not that kind of magic. the kind where you get to compete. i think.

UGH. Again. Who is ASHLI?! And why are she and Robin screaming? Oh because there is no food but there is a LOT of eyeliner and booze. Kenny, that facepaint is def an upgrade on your heinous mug.

Can we just take a moment to appreciate Ryan for always ALWAYS stirring up the drama pot? thank you, Ryan.

AH AH AH AH GROSS Ah AH AH YOU CUT YOUR TOE OFF??? This is why you shouldn't get blackout drunk and wander outside without shoes. idiot. I sort of hope she gets voted in for the challenge.
"Robin made me feel like I was so below her". Well. Ashli. Sorry honey but you sort of are. and that's a pretty awful place to be my dear.

Also, dear Army. I do not appreciate you using the island as a recruiting tool. F off. love cara.

Low Phone
Again. 10 minutes. I love how Colie made the rules about the phone and then got on it immediately. NO ONE MISSES YOU COLIE. NO ONE. whoa. Derrick is gonna be a Daddy? How does that make any sort of sense. oh lord.

All She is Is Another Mouth to Feed
"you can at least leave the rest of us some food" - Dunbar
what a gentleman. hilarious. ashli. who?
"go home already stop eating our food" - Dunbar
"Is she sitting there rolling her eyes at me? Stop being a bitch" - Dunbar
can someone remind me-- was he the one that stalked people with knives?
"Colie. You're a bitch" - Dunbar

Wow. this guy is a champ. Managed to avoid all camera time until he starts spurting out insults and profanities like he's got tourrets.

Face/Off
Jenn wants in the Alliance. Gross.
Paula is skinny. If she wins I will be personally insulted.
Ashli is missing a toe, and clearly needs to go into the face/off. Maybe she'll be lucky and it'll involve hanging upside down like a sloth.
Ev's hair is huge and she wants a key. to go with her visor.
Johanna and Paula want to take on the gimp, and are willing to endure verbal abuse from their "alliance" mates in order to do so. you girls are stupid.

Wow. TJ. Is. Struggling. With. The. Cue. Cards?
12 for Jenn
3 for Johanna
11 for Paul
HOW IS COLIE THE ONLY ONE HERE CAPABLE OF COUNTING?
108 for Ashli
2 for Ev

Plague
This is why you shouldn't piss God off. Right? Right, God????
Cohutta be chillin. on the couch. with his net. hahhahaha. HOW is it possible Cohutta and Colie are the most reasonable people on this entire island? Hope those bugs aren't carrying anything fatal.

Challenge: Ball Buster
Each of them has to pick a dude. Now we got
Ashli and Derrick
Paula and Dunbar
Jenn and Tyree
There is a ball. A huge ball. that you have to roll into your goal. twice. and you win. also you get a bootleg bose.

I wish I could even describe what I am seeing but Tyree is a house and Derrick is full of rage and Paula has an eating disorder and Ashli can't really use her feet.
Paula can use her thinking skills and managed to get Jenn to collaborate in order to win. ugh. I guess if I was bleeding all over I would probably want out too.

Paula wins? this is not what I expected to happen. Guess Dunbar is hungry with good reason.

Jenn's body will give you 100% all the time (that's what she said). Chick without a toe can't.
TJ thinks Ashli is a quitter. Dear TJ. Let them quit. Please.

Next Week: Ev gets thrown to the wolves. Or does she?

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because L.A is the devil's cafeteria

i'm actually not waiting three days to write this up. you know what that means.

this episode was good. this episode was holy-hell-this-is-uncomfortable-i-can't-keep-the-awkwardness-and-lies-straight-good. it was are-they-actually-airing-this-i'm looking down and no one is even around and i'm alone yet severely uncomfortable-good. i'm glad to see that post-halftime, mtv got the ball back. can we hang onto it long enough to score? we know stephanie can, but if we can't, can we please have a nasty tackle in the season finale? ok, lots of ground to cover.

isn't l.c's trainer the one whitney went on a date with? and we all know dinner in l.a means sex and dvd night means golden shower. now they're all just sitting around shooting the shit? oh right, l.a is the devil's cafeteria. silly me.

trainer: you don't go out with your girl's ex unless you get the stamp of approval...coming from a guy's point of view. translation...now that we're all here, can i collect that stamp from ya now whitney so i can see what lauren's doing later?

let stephanie's web of lies begin and she looks like wilbur to boot.

2= number of seconds stephanie and l.c talk about erroneous crap before the duggie bomb is dropped. im glad to see mtv is not wasting too many precious minutes. i have a schedule to keep.

stephanie says she deleted doug out of her phone. highly unlikely considering she wastes no time in asking l.c if she is going to duggie's party. l.c, being the marie curie of the cast, asks how she knows about the party if they aren't talking. good question katie couric. i am floored by lack of effort stephanie takes in lying. it really is astounding.

holly gives heidi the world's worst birthday present and actually seems sincere in thinking it was a sweet idea: having mom show up when she doesn't know spencer and heidi are living together. wow, nice work holly. no, i mean it. thank you for playing. we now have the first of multiple hot-as-fire awkward moments when spencer sits there while mom tells heidi she basically disapproves. then declares she wants to have lunch mano y mano with him. is this a punked/hills crossover?

sidenote: mom i'd be more concerned that your daughter has reconstructed her body and face.

wait for it, wait for it. who is having dinner? our new favorite couple cheetogirl and doug. hmmmm how in the world do you arrange dinner when you deleted someone from your phone? more importantly, they are totally having a golden shower because duggie just suggested dvd night. da vinci, we have broken your code.

doug, you my amigo, are pathetic. check out this text, come watch a movie last night. is that the best you can do? i have gotten juicer texts on my lunch break. also, fifty bucks said you did watch that movie late night. don't lie to me boy. it's not my fault she over tans. you did not just say "hit me up over bbm". i'm going to pretend i don't know what i think that means. blackberrymobile. i dont know that. you are disgusting.

brody: "if she cries she cries" oh snap. its a player duel at high noon.

now we get to the part of the episode that made me unable to look directly at the t.v. this scene should had a warning label. HA for highly awkward. there is a god.

"i don't get uncomfortable my dear"-spencerlector to heidi's mom. um. i am now watching fear 2 and spencer is about to cut up heidi's dog and leave it for her mom on the dinner table. nicole, get me a coke.

i am shaking my head that the girls are actually getting mad about getting wet at a pool party...... but these are the same girls that hook up with doug. i also forgive it because it gives whitney the only quotable line ever about dug. "i don't even know you...and i don't want to". amen, sister. someone. has. standards.

it's fight night with the showdown between brody and steph. goldmine. i saw the texts stephanie. I SAW THE TEXTS. i know that dvd= golden shower. i know he peed on you. you liked it.

we interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to watch heidi making her own mom cry on national television. i do not understand how spencer hasn't gotten the crap beaten out of him yet. someone hit refill on the adderoll prescription a little too many times with that kid. can someone please walk upright and stand up to that sloth posing as a human?

we now come to the hands down best thing i have ever seen in a hills episode since jason graced our small screens. doug with the vocabulary of sarah palin attempting to defend himself yet caught between a rock and a hard place trying to make all of the below true.

1. i did not hook up with stephanie she is disgusting i want nothing to do with her

2. i did hook up with stephanie i can do whatever i want i did nothing wrong

3. i want to be friends with her

4. she is a lost little puppy

5. i did not go in public with stephanie

6. we had dinner, cant i have dinner with a friend/person i peed on?

7. what? what are we talking about? where am i? DUDES.

8. dude.

9. i heart golden showers.

you are my ex fling--that is my new favorite phrase. doug, i am taking your phrase and leaving you for the wolves

also, did it creep anyone else out that stephanie is hiding in dougs room? god, the comparisons to the movie fear are blinding at this point.

doug, you are so dumb its not even comical. its painful. there, there. shhhhh.

stephanie, the jig is up. stop lying. not only did frankie and brody throw you under the bus, doug then left you there with keanu reeves and some explosives. if i were you, i would have walked out and ripped doug's nuts off like a paper towel. also, this is filmed. your lies will be exposed in 12-16 weeks. aka now. real talk.

this episode was truly incredible.

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The ISLAND: F your way to the end

Previously: Abe gets attacked by killer wasps, goes home like a vagina. Johanna bones Kenny, audiences across America have violent physical reactions. LadyAlliance attempts to destroy JohnnyBananas-- fails.

And here we go...

What is this? Europe pre-WWI?
Alliances have been drawn.
Johnny, Kenny, Derrick, Dunbar (who may or may not know he's in like France at this point) + the tag alongs Johanna and Paula, both fine specimens of physical prowess.

Rachel, Jenn, and everyone else who hates Johnny. Hey, bananas. Hating you makes people smart, not Nazis. Ask Germany. They wouldn't have wanted you.

and the fighting, name calling, talking smack has already started. We are 2 minutes in and this is incredible. Frankly, I am starting to question the "doctors" that do the psych evals for these hoohas. I guess that's a pretty sweet gig considering if you don't do your job well, America and MTV's ratings benefit.

Survival of the idiots
Good thing Robin knows how to sail a boat. She really did work hard on her "boat" which i think truly means "bartop at coyote ugly". Robin, if you are already pissing off Derick, this really does not bode well for you.

Starving your cast members makes for amazing television
So...what we have learned from 8 minutes of this episode, yes we are still pre forst commercial break, is that when you starve people they. lose. their. shit. Fingers pointing, smack talking, crying, and we are all still hungry.

OHH CALL JO OUT ROBIN. You are hungry, and have the hungry rage black outs. I sort of want to give this girl an emmy for her radical restating of the obvious truth about Johanna being a whore. but what? Robin f'ed Kenny? Oh Robin. I hope you did some serious penance for that. disgusting. I actually can't really even look at you. Can i get a blue dot on her face? On both their faces? On all of their faces?

Dear Kenny. You do NOT look like the man. Johanna is... a mess. So is Robin. Your definition of "girls" is questionable. I hope hope hope hope hope someone destroys her. I also hope that Robin's rage lasts until the challenge. So she can kill Johanna in a hurricane of fists and elbows.

Hope there were c-doms in that airdrop
EW. Robin and Dan. Who are the same person, different genders? Gross. gross. again, gross.

Are Robin and Rachel going to make it official? I am without words. This is what happens when you make reality "stars" very bored and give them no food but endless booze. Jesus. These people need a tv.

Bring on the Bitches, bitches.
It's gonna be a ladies elimination. Bout time. Let's get rid of those "newbies", says Rachel, age 65.

If watching these hussies try to lift the air drop box is any sort of preview to the upcoming challenge, i simply can't wait.

Johanna is now saying that she doesn't want to volunteer until she see who is in. I am... confused. Did we not just see her scream, loudly, on camera, that she was ready to take on Robin? I guess that's sort of like not being ready to volunteer.

Rachel wants: Herself, Kelly Ann, and Ashli (who?)
sidebar. Rachel and Robin. Cooperate. Against Johanna. DUH.
HOW DID JOHANNA GET OUT OF THIS? WAS I THE ONLY ONE ON THE ISLAND LAST NIGHT THEN THIS SHIT WAS BEING TALKED? GAH! Also, how did Rachel become our biggest threat?

CHALLENGE: THE RACK
there are parallel bars. you will be on them. holding it as long as you can. TJ will ask you to assume certain positions. Yes that is as dirty as it sounds. also, you are a chinese gymnast with baby teeth.

Robin v Rachel v Kelly Ann
now we go

quote lavin: "butt on the poll, hands on the other". gross. i mean. gross. And they have been doing this for an hour? sweet lord.

And Robin is out. That was... fast. She is...screwed.

Jenn: "Rachel needs to open up her legs to keep her butt up there". I mean. Is that what you said to her in bed last night?

and... Kelly Ann WINS?!?! whoa. whoa. watch it Johnny bananas. your days may be numbered.

Vote or Die
Rachel is making a plea to the kennyjohnnyaxisofevil. best of luck to you, madame.
blahblah let's all talk strategy boringboring cut to the chase tjlavin

Robin wampwamp cry cry blahblah blubber blubber
Rachel....getting voted home. yow. this alliance scares me.
cue horribly obvious parting music waaaaaaamp

Next Week: stuff happens, I assume. DVR rebelling against me. the end.

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